“Oh, baby,” we thought when we saw ABC’s latest game show premiere. We bet the network has set a new low with Bet on Your Baby, in which people wager cash on their innocent little cuties.
Could the show, which debuted April 13, really be as contemptible as it sounds?
We’ll let host comedian/actress Melissa Peterman (of Reba and Singing Bee fame) attempt to rationalize the concept.
“Tonight five babies will go on the ultimate play date while their parents are put to the test, trying to predict the unpredictable - their babies. Up for grabs? Thousands of dollars toward a college education. It’s time to bet on your baby!”
Oh, well, if it’s to fund their children’s education, then any grossness and greed on the parents’ part has got to be justified, right?
After all, the parents gambling on their kids’ ability to accomplish tasks can win a whopping $5,000 before taxes!
Only $5,000? Considering such an amount is unlikely to cover even a semester at most universities now, exactly how far do they expect such a sum to stretch when these toddlers reach college age?
Wait, there’s also the $50,000 grand prize up for grabs each episode. That might even buy a whole semester’s tuition and books by 2029!
On to the show. In each hour episode, one parent coaches a child through a timed task - stacking cookies, sitting still, knocking down towers of blocks in the studio’s “Babydome.” The other parent bets on their child’s success rate. Or their partner’s fail rate. It’s embarrassment, I mean, fun for the whole family.
On the show we are introduced to 32-month-old Derrick Jr. “He loves soccer and basketball and isn’t afraid to take bribes to cooperate with his mother.”
He would be the only one with no fear of and the ability to cooperate with his mother. She - Jhinezka - terrified us.
“I have a very short fuse,” Jhinezka tells Peterman. “It’s just kind of like, if you got to get something done, I don’t play. Drill sergeant, like, 8 o’clock we’re up, 8:15 we gotta be eating.”
We’d say maybe it is Jhinezka who should go to college, but again, we’re scared of her.
And so is her husband, Derrick Sr. When his wife says jump, Derrick Sr. says, with eyes low to the ground, “I jump.”
Peterman challenges them to Spin Cycle (Hey! That’s our name!Where are our royalties, ABC?). How many times can a parent convince Derrick Jr. to spin around in a circle in 30 seconds.
“I think he should go spinning,” Jhinezka says, pointing to her husband. “I’m not spinning.”
“I’m spinning,” Derrick Sr. replies meekly. And as if he’s not emasculated enough, he has to wear a tutu while coaching his son through the test.
Jhinezka bets that Derrick Sr. can get Derrick Jr. to spin around at least seven times in 30 seconds. And we bet there will be hell to pay if he doesn’t.
Luckily for everyone, Derrick Jr. dizzies himself adequately and they win $5,000! Now Derrick Jr. can get a degree! And Derrick Sr.’s life has been spared!
The family of Dez, 41 months old, doesn’t fare as well. His mom, Dodo, bets that he won’t listen to Dad’s directions and hold a ball for a minute. We can’t blame her. After all, Dez’s biography describes the little rascal as a “future wrestler.”
But in spite of his partner’s distrust, Rick gets Dez to behave and then Dodo looks like a dodo.
“This is Bet on Your Baby, not Bet Against Your Baby,” Rick says with resentment cloaked in laughter.
Ah well, it’s not like Dezseemed destined for college anyway.
Then there’s Piper, the 34-month-old daughter of Deanne and Eamonn. Will Deanne get her to stack seven or more cookies in 60 seconds? Eamonn, spouse and father of little faith, bets no.
When Piper’s tower of Oreos topples over, Eamonn bellows, “That’s what I’m talking about!” And when they win due to coordination failure and low expectations, he runs around the stage, high-fiving the crowd as if they’ve accomplished something great.
It’s a victory dance he’ll get to do again after he solves the parents’ picture puzzle round. And again when he secures an additional $25,000 in the Deal-Or-No-Deal-ish piggy bank smash round.
The screen jokes at the end, “No pigs were harmed in the making of this episode.”
Notice they don’t say the same for family relations.
You can bet I want your e-mail: [email protected] Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture and a weekly segment on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 at 7 a.m.Thursdays. Listen live and hear podcasts at b98.
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Style, Pages 49 on 04/21/2013