OTUS THE HEAD CAT

State issues Stage 4 pollen alert, says hunker down

Cat owners are urged to keep their pets free from pollen with at least two thorough baths per day.
Cat owners are urged to keep their pets free from pollen with at least two thorough baths per day.

Dear Otus,

I notice the TV stations are already giving pollen reports and there was a green rim around the puddles after the last rain. I have allergies. Is it going to be a bad spring?

  • Paul Linn Bella Tosse

Dear Paul,

It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you, and I’d recommend you breathe as little as possible for the next three weeks.

Friday morning, the Arkansas Department of Watches and Warnings issued an alert stemming from the prediction of the most severe allergy spring the state has experienced since the Great Pollen Swarm of ’88.

That explains the flashing purple warning map in the corner of the screen on KATV, Channel 7, and why it pre-empted regular broadcasting Friday night for live updates.

All nine Channel 7 meteorologists were on deck, with Ned and Barry tag-teaming coverage from the studio. Todd Yakoubian reported live outside on the sidewalk.

Weekend anchor Erin Hawley (not a meteorologist) reported live from the Chester Street overpass onI-630 because Channel 7’s 1989 “Carolyn Long Clause” requires at least one attractive blonde on each newscast. Last fall, Hawley came to KATV from Jacksonville, Fla., in a trade for Heather Crawford and a blonde to be named later.

(Set your DVRs. Friday’s two pre-empted Happy Endings episodes and Shark Tank will air at 1:30 a.m. Sunday. 20/20 will not encore.)

Longtime readers will recall that it was in the spring of 1988 that Owner’s car became a veritable La Brea Tar Pit of pollen-choked viscosity. Instead of mammoths and saber-toothed tigers, smaller creatures were trapped.

Before the incident, there was at least a quarter-inch coating of bilious yellow-green pollen covering Owner’s Bronco II as it sat in the driveway. It was a coating of absinthe and celadon, mignonette and glauconite.

Then came a brief shower. Owner’s car looked like a Chia Pet.

The first squirrel to hop up on the car stayed there - splayed out on the windshield like some lepidopterist’s prize exhibit. The only things moving were its eyeballs and left ear.

Before long there were a couple of robins and a chipmunk on the roof. And, unfortunately, Walton, the cat from across the street. He had come over to investigate the squirrel and was glued belly-down to the left front quarter panel.

Owner freed Walton with two buckets of warm water mixed with Electrasol dishwasher powder. He flicked the squirrel off with the windshield wipers.

The rain earlier this week alleviated much of the initial pollen problem, but the brief cooler weather can lead to a false sense of security. In reality, it only set the stage for more severe rounds of pollen attacks.

The forecasting computers at the Arkansas Department of Watches and Warnings have printed out several grim probability models for this spring.

Ima Mae Dupnaim is serving as interim director of ADWW until Gov. Beebe can appoint someone to fill the vacancy who won’t be summarily rejected by the current contrarian Republican majority in the Legislature.

Dupnaim says citizens should prepare for the worst in what appears to be a “witch’s brew of palynological convergence of apocryphal proportions.”

“The ADWW has elevated the Respiratory Anaphylaxis Warning status to Stage 4,” she said Friday afternoon. Then she added ominously, “There is no Stage 5.”

Dupnaim noted that “the computer models predict extremely high concentrations of pollen that could lead to chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder, or COPD. We suggest nobody go anywhere or do anything for the next 10days. Be sure to check on the elderly and loved ones.”

Dupnaim cautioned that allergen counts are highest in the mornings, with elevated readings occurring near trees, grasses, weeds and mold.

“The yellowish-green dust covering vehicles and flat surfaces is mostly pine and not a particular problem,” she said. “However, the bireticulated spores with two-layered reticulum consisting of a suprareticulum supported by a microreticulate tectum are. It’s nasty nasty stuff. It’ll be a rhinitis hell of redroot pigweed, lamb’s quarters, Russian thistle and English plantain. People shouldn’t take this lightly.”

For survival tips and information on your county, check out the “Community and Civic Info” page at the official Arkansas Web site at portal.arkansas.gov.

Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that hay fever has nothing to do with either hay or fever.

Disclaimer Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail: [email protected]

HomeStyle, Pages 34 on 04/06/2013

Upcoming Events