LITTLE ROCK — Dear Otus,
The election is still more than a month away and I’m already sick of all the negative ads. They’re insulting, and you never learn anything about the candidates from them.
- Meliora Cogito, Marianna
Dear Meliora,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you, but au contraire, mon ami! You can learn a lot.
For example, did you know that Rep. Edwin C. “Took” Alexander of Arkansas’ 5th Congressional District is a fiendish social deviant who collects child pornography and every full moon sacrifices puppies on a satanic altar behind his backyard barbecue?
On top of that, he dumped his 79-year-old mama in a seedy West Helena nursing home after selling her house and using the money for a sybaritic orgy of gambling and cavorting with loose women at Isle of Capri Casino in Biloxi, Miss.
He’s also a documented adulterer, keeping a secret mistress in a townhouse near his Capitol Hill office in D.C.
Alexander and his third wife, Miranda (a Wiccan and former Las Vegas stripper), own a pharmacy/Dairy Queen in Marvell that’s the tristate distribution front for the notorious Colombian drug cartel El Guason.
While working his way through Southern Arkansas University at Magnolia, Alexander was a weekend disc jockey for drunken Tau Beta Sigma parties that imported underage midget women of ill repute for bizarre and nefarious purposes.
Also in college, Alexander contracted pergola while on a weekend kegger with known transmorphodites.
Took Alexander wears frilly women’s pink underwear with the days of the week on them and in private tells off-color jokes about the mentally challenged and our heroic men and women who serve in Afghanistan.
Alexander cheated to get his Life badge as a Boy Scout and once burned an American flag that had flown over a firefighters memorial in honor of those who died in the attacks on 9/11..
Alexander is a notoriously bad tipper and says waiters don’t deserve more than minimum wage because they’re too stupid to get a higher paying job.
His re-election campaign is endorsed by every ne’er do-well Commie pinko outfit from the American Civil Liberties Union to NOHW - the National Organization of Hyphenated Women.
Alexander is a poster boy for long-haired hippie Greenpeace wackos and tree-hugging, knee jerk Sierra Club do-gooders.
He’s backed by PETA perverts, Amnesty International crybabies, recalcitrant Rainbow/PUSH Coalition dinosaurs, the NAACP, NORML, NOW, NEA and NARAL.
He’s even supported by Planned Parenthood, although he has fathered two illegitimate children from his wastrel days as a crackhead pimp in New Orleans.
Finally, Alexander’s obscenely corpulent 29-year-old son, Bocephus, sports earrings, a SAMCRO tattoo, and keeps his bantam pet chicken Poulette on his shoulder despite the fowl’s incessant befouling of his shirt.
I know all this about Alexander because I saw it in an ad for his opponent, R.D. “Buzz” Singleton. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe I just imagined it all. Yeah, that’s it.
The same tone is in Alexander’s ads against Singleton and all the negative political advertising choking the airwaves. The object is to demonize your opponent and don’t bother with the truth.
It’s all so insipid and the arguments so vacuous that it would be amusing except for one thing: Far too many voters tend to believe negative ads and simplistic, soundbite slogans. If they didn’t, politicians wouldn’t spend so much money on them.
“I’m fer Tommy Robinson,” our neighbor once cackled years ago over the fence, “’cuz he’s gonna ‘fight fer right.’” Tommy’s poster had him wielding a shotgun.
She hadn’t the slightest idea what “right” Tommy was gonna fight for but, by gum, she liked the sound of it. Such malleable simpletons are the target audience for negative ads. If I were you, I’d be insulted and disgusted.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you to vent your spleen biweekly to prevent system blockage.
Disclaimer
Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail:
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