LITTLE ROCK — Conversations with colleagues who text throughout our discussions have me thinking about how ideas of courtesy have changed. What used to feel rude is now how we live. People text in meetings, throughout dinner, while driving (we all see them) and whenever they’re in line for anything — even the restroom.
Work and life today involve a lot of multi-tasking. Urgent things happen we want to know about, but mostly we’re accustomed to being in touch with people all the time. When we aren’t, we feel uncomfortably disconnected. This isn’t just my children’s generation, my husband and I get frustrated when we can’t reach each other, too.
This expectation of being connected raises a big generational difference. Outside of an urgent situation, I don’t understand why my children carry on multiple conversations at the same time. For me, being together refers to people who are physically present. To them, being together is a conditional statement; it depends on the circumstances.
The forces that drive change throughout the world have driven a new manner of communicating so deeply into our relationships that multiple conversations are now the norm. Since my children are more dependent on their social interactions, their cell phones are always out. Because our gatherings are often followed by them getting together with their friends, they’re making those plans even as they’re spending time with me. I understand to an extent, because at times I have to keep an eye on the phone. But when I do, it’s for a specific reason, not out of habit.
To bridge this divide, I asked my 22-year-old daughter, Claire, to share her thoughts on the subject. Here’s what she said:
“If anything, I’m a bit old-fashioned about cell phones and conversations, too. (Probably because of you, Mom.) Let’s face it, it’s rude to look away while someone is talking to you, but sometimes we do it anyway. When it’s our turn to talk, we stop texting. When it’s the other person’s turn to talk, we start texting. We may be listening, but we’re sending an unconscious signal that we don’t care.
“So the first thing you have to understand is this: The way we are with you is the way we are with everyone. We’re not trying to be rude, it’s more that we’re always multi-tasking to stay connected. Sometimes we use cell phones as a crutch — if we’re uncomfortable or bored, we’ll pull out our cell phones. But we also use texting to build relationships because we’re connected to so many people. Even so, there are some guidelines, a sort of unwritten cell phone etiquette.
“The first guideline is that the degree of rudeness of texting while someone else is speaking is directly related to the number of people in the discussion. If it’s a one-on-one conversation, it’s significantly ruder than if there are three of you. Likewise, texting with three is ruder than with five or six. This also relates to texting in a large group setting, like the classroom or work. The bigger the class, the less rude texting is.
“Next, texting is increasingly rude when it causes increasing disruption, i.e., if your phone makes a noise every time you send or receive a text, if your keypad is set to beep as you press buttons, or if you’re texting in a place you shouldn’t be — like the movie theater or your grandfather’s funeral.
“Finally, and what may be the hardest for us, is that texting has become how we avoid conflict. It’s deteriorated our ability to communicate about difficult things. So if you’re communicating about something important, do it in person with your full attention. Don’t break up with someone via text. Don’t give important feedback via text. Don’t share bad news via text. That’s unfeeling and impersonal.”
So there’s an overview from two generations. We may not have solved anything, but we understand each other a little better. And since cell phones aren’t going away, starting the conversation is better than not having one.
Write to Jennifer Hansen at Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, P.O. Box 7, Springdale, Ark. 72765. Email her at:
Family, Pages 30 on 10/31/2012