Wednesday, October 31, 2012
LITTLE ROCK — DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:
My brother “Bill” has secretly reunited with his ex-wife “Betty.” Their divorce was devastating for the entire family, especially my mother (Betty had cheated on Bill many times). When it was over, Mom generously helped my brother buy a house. But she told him that if he ever took Betty back, she’d cut him out of her will. Am I obligated to tell my mother that Bill and Betty are back together? Mom’s been adamant that this woman she despises never be in a position to benefit from her hard-earned life savings.
DEAR D.S .:
What’s Bill planning to do on holidays? Leave Betty in the car?
By concealing his new relationship with his ex-wife, your brother is, in effect, trying to con your mother out of some money. Remain silent and youbecome his accomplice. So tell Bill that you cannot and will not keep your mother in the dark - that he has a month to tell your mother the news, or you’ll do it for him.
If he objects, point out that there are words for deceiving people to get their money (“defraud” and “cheat” come to mind). And don’t let himtry to convince you that the real problem is your mother. Your mother has every right to disapprove of his decision to take back his ex, and every right to adjust her will accordingly. It’s her dough, and your brother had fair warning that he wouldn’t be getting any more of it if he let bygones be bygones with Betty.
DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:
My cousin wants to start charging me to stay at his vacation home. According to “John,” one relative or another is always using the place. He claims it’s been taking a beating, and sometimes it’s not available when he wants to stay there. So now he’s charging $150 a night. John says that’s a more-than-fair price because the going rate for homes like his is about $300. I say this is not the way family should treat family. Am I right?
DEAR COUSIN:
What family are you talking about? The Windsors?
Your generous cousin isn’t obligated to provide you and the rest of the clan with a free vacation getaway whenever you want one. If you don’t like his terms, you can always look for a better deal.
Thanks to your cousinJohn’s hospitality, you and your relatives had a good thing going. The right response to that is appreciation, not indignation that it’s over.
DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:
My husband, “Brandon,” lets his mother take advantage of him. She’s always asking him for money - a couple of hundred dollars to tide her over until her next paycheck, maybe, or $500 or $600 to pay a bill she’s behind on. Brandon can never say “no,” and then my mother in law never repays us. She doesn’t ask Brandon’s brothers for money, by the way, and they’re flush enough to have season baseball tickets. And she’s not poor herself, just bad at budgeting. These “loans” are adding up. How can I get my husband not to give in the next time his mother comes begging? She really knows how to push Brandon’s buttons.
DEAR FRUSTRATED:
Of course Brandon’s mother knows how to push his buttons. She installed them (we know, old joke).
So tell Brandon that the next time his mother hits him up for dough, he should say, “Mom, I have to talk this over with ‘Frustrated.’” After all, talking things over is what husbands and wives do.
Then if, even with time to prepare a loving but firm refusal, your husband remains unable to say “no,” offer to make the call yourself. You may take some heat, but so what? Brandon’s mom didn’t install any buttons in you.
Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends. (Free Press, 2008). E-mail them at
Family, Pages 31 on 10/31/2012