My wife doesn’t think I can drive. Or park.
Or feed and dress myself (OK, I’ve got pictures from before our marriage; she might have me on the whole “feeding, dressing” thing).
She does, however, think I can build furniture.
To be specific, she thinks I can assemble a platform bed complete with stylish, slated, curved headrest manufactured in Denmark and shipped here to be sold to people like me who are suddenly a lot less excited about all of the ramifications of free trade.
For years I have told the lovely Mrs. Smith whenever she wants me to build something that completion of one semester of shop in junior high and possession of a few tools does not a craftsman make. And though she has never, ever forgotten any of the other dumb stuff I’ve said or done, she keeps forgetting that I’ve proven her abiding faith in my handyman abilities are as misplaced as the 1/8th-inch socket I needed to complete a project.
Which required me to go to Walmart to pick one up.
Which explains why I own two tennis rackets. Well, not really, but it’s what I came home with instead of the socket. Which meant I had to go back. But I digress.
Despite the fact that, as with most things, I deployed Sunnily Optimistic Pessimism as a tool to get out of something (“Well, gee, honey, that looks pretty complicated, but I’ll sure give it a try. I mean, how much damage can I do?
And we can always replace it.”), I found myself facing assembly of the bed our youngest son will sleep on during his remaining teenage years. Unless, of course, we make good on that military school threat.
Now this was complicated slightly when I discovered the directions for assembling this monstrosity were written in Danish. I don’t speak Danish. It does, however, appear Danes are very taken with vowels.
Personally, I think by the time you’re at your sixth or seventh “a” in a word, you really need to land the plane.
Anyway, since some of you may find yourselves roped into a similar deal, I’m going to provide a detailed set of directions. Follow them at your own peril.
1) Single-handedly carry the 140-pound, six-foot-long box containing the bed parts upstairs. Ok, that’s a lie. It took two pretty big guys to even load the thing into my SUV, and they walked off limping. But I figured I’d start off making you feel inadequate right away.
2) Spread out a newspaper, and separate all the fasteners in piles so you can find them later.
3) Spot an article in that newspaper you haven’t read.
Read it. Realize you’ve killed 30 minutes. Begin to suspect why these projects seem to take so long.
4) Remember you haven’t selected the quarterback for your fantasy football team for this week yet.
Decide between Tom Brady and Andy Dalton. Pick Dalton, mostly because his nickname, “The Red Rifle,” is pretty cool. Wish you had a cool nickname.
5) Try to tell your wife this is taking so long because the numbers are written in Danish. Realize she knows Danes use the same numbers we do.
6) Determine from the drawing in the big circle with the line through it that you shouldn’t use power tools. Decide those sissy Europeans just don’t understand we, as Americans, want things done quickly and powerfully. Get out the cordless power drill.
7) Discover the power drill works best if it’s charged.
8) Hmm … OK, so maybe that’s why you shouldn’t use power tools. A little wood putty and that will be good as new.
9) Think you may have adult ADD. Look it up on your phone. Realize the best sign may be you didn’t bother to finish the article.
10) Change your mind: Brady.
11) Curse the Danes for sending extra screws. Extra screws may seem polite, but in reality, they just scare you.
12) Dalton. Final answer.
No, Brady.
13) OK, so those screws weren’t extra, huh?
14) When in doubt, start nailing. The kid doesn’t weigh much, anyway.
15) Determine that dropping heavy pieces of wood on the floor makes delicate things fall off shelves downstairs. Realize your wife is calling you something, but it’s not as cool a nickname as “The Red Rifle.”
16) Bed done. Three days, a new record for building, basically, a box. Realize your wife has bought a yet-to-be assembled desk. Realize why Danes drink.
GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST AND APPRENTICE HANDYMAN LIVING IN ROGERS.
Opinion, Pages 5 on 10/11/2012