Dismay, Horror, Shock ™

For ages legal voter and up

— WELCOME to the game of Dismay, Horror, Shock™—the bored/board game that keeps newspaper readers in stitches all through the silly season! More than a million games sold in this country alone! And that’s just since last Tuesday!

Participants must be part of a political campaign, or at least a spokesman for a political party. But everybody can watch the action! It’s fun for the whole family!

No need to choose sides. No skill required. Only an email address from which to issue press releases. So let’s get started!

You’ll need:

—Dice

—A loudmouth politician (LMP)

—A public forum

—At least two players, but multiple players are welcome. On a national level, hundreds can play at once!

Now, get your family and friends together to watch the fireworks as we play America’s No. 1 political game, Dismay, Horror, Shock!™

Rules:

Before action starts, all players must roll the dice. The team/player with the lowest roll loses, and is assigned the loudmouth politician of the week.

Said loudmouth politician must roll the die. A high roll of 6, aka the Akin Ender, merits a chance to make a comment that all but ends a political career. Display of Dismay, Horror, Shock™ at his comments follow in turn. Whereupon play continues without said loudmouth politician.

A low roll of a 1 is called the Biden Oopsy, at which players only roll their eyes and shake their heads in wonder at how anybody let this guy near a mike.

Rolls of the dice between and including 2 and 5 are considered in-bounds, and the game begins! Turn loose your LMP and see what he/she says!

Let’s say the loudmouth politician says he appreciates all veterans—as all politicians are required to do before speaking on 90 percent of topics—but he criticizes his opponent for overemphasizing his military career.

The players now roll the dice to see who responds first. The player rolling the highest number goes first, followed by the player who rolls the second highest number, etc.

Player 1 issues some sort of statement to the press decrying the off-thecuff comment. The statement should express as much Dismay, Horror, Shock™ as possible without jolting the game pieces. (That would be considered a tilt.) For example, the player could say something like: “The thousands of Arkansas military veterans who have served our country know it’s not possible to ‘overdo’ integrity, honor and sacrifice. It’s a disappointing sign of disrespect to all who serve.”

The next player in turn displays his Dismay, Horror, Shock™ by saying something like: “[The LMP] doesn’t have anything to run on himself. He doesn’t realize that Tom is running to save this country and fight the liberal policies that are being put forth by President Obama.”

Isn’t this fun? You can play all day and all night!

AS POLITICAL disasters go, the latest one involving the two candidates for Congress in this state’s Fourth District wasn’t much of one. This little Gene Jeffress/ Tom Cotton dust-up was just foo and faraw, mumbo and jumbo, balder and dash. (Thank you, Mr. Mencken.) Gene Jeffress, the current LMP, is going to say these kinds of things, put his foot in his big mouth, and go on as he usually does. Probably collecting some hefty per diem along the way.

But even more tiring than Gene Jeffress’ antics are the responses he nets. But the best response to his low-jinks is none at all. Some things should be passed over in silence, like a guest in a drunken stupor at a ladies’ tea.

The only participant who came through this round of DHS not looking silly was Tom Cotton—mainly because the former Army captain didn’t comment.

Captain Cotton has a knack for knowing what not to say and just when not to say it. Let’s send him to Congress. It’d be a nice change to have somebody besides loudmouthed politicians up there in Washington.

Editorial, Pages 16 on 10/06/2012

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