MONEY MANNERS

LITTLE ROCK — DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:

Would I be considered cheap if I asked to have my own check when I go out to dinner with my sisters-inlaw and some other friends? I enjoy these monthly girls’ nights out. But since I don’t drink and everyone else does (try three bottles of wine and multiple rounds of Cosmos), splitting the check evenly at the end of the evening doesn’t seem fair. My husband says to go with the flow and not cause trouble or look cheap. But I hate paying $100 when my meal costs only half as much.

• Gigi C.

DEAR GIGI:

We wouldn’t call it cheap if you asked the waiter for your own check, but your friends might. After all, they probably don’t want to admit to themselves that they’ve been taking advantageof you.

This doesn’t mean, though, that you need to kick in 50 bucks just for the pleasure of partying with your amigas. Since splitting the tab is how this group likes to do things, we suggest that you ask for two checks: one for the meals, and one for the bar tab. That way, everyone can split thefood bill, while only the drinkers pay for the booze.

Don’t worry that you’ll be rocking the boat a little. The girls no doubt will be able to afford their Cosmos without your subsidy, and they’ll soon get over the shock of losing it.

DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:

I pay for my 8-year-old sonto get a 90-minute massage every couple of weeks. “Graham” loves it, my husband and I can afford it, and I get an hour and a half to run errands.

When we mentioned this to some good friends, they made it clear that they think we’re turning our son into an entitled, rich brat who will then grow up to be an entitled, rich jerk (not that they put it in those words). Their criticism has made my husband uneasy. Please tell him it’s our kid, our money and our decision.

• Lexie

DEAR LEXI:

OK. It’s your kid, your money and your decision. But just because you have every right to spend two or three hundred bucks a month on massages for your 8-year-old doesn’t mean you should.

Look, as Graham’s parents, you’re obligated to doyour best to bring him up to be a decent human being. Can overindulged little boys grow up to be decent human beings? Of course. But not as easily as little boys who haven’t become accustomed to salon-style pampering before they’ve outgrown their first bike.

DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:

The brother of my soon-to-be-ex-husband died unexpectedly and left our 12-year-old son “Zachary” some money. My husband “Wei” is the executor of his brother’s estate, and he thinks it’s crazy to give this money to Zachary.

He wants to give it instead to his mother, who he says needs it a lot more than our son does. Wei’s mother probably could use the money, but I still don’t think this is right. What’s your opinion?

• Uncertain

DEAR UNCERTAIN:

How do you say “chutzpah” in Chinese?

What Wei thinks and wants is irrelevant. As the executor of his brother’s estate, his duty is to carry out his brother’s wishes. Period. And in this case, that means writing Zachary a check.

It’s not a good sign that your soon-to-be-ex-husband apparently has so little affinity for the concepts of fiduciary duty and the rule of law. If we were you, we’d watch this guy like a hawk when the time comes to divide the marital assets and decide how much child support he’s to pay. Honor is not his strong suit.

Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends. (Free Press, 2008). E-mail them at

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