Deer camp city

LITTLE ROCK — THE FOLLOWING is more true than you might be able to convince your neighbors: Your statewide newspaper reported that Eureka Springs has declared itself a deer camp. No, really. The chief of police says the town wants to conduct a deer hunt inside the city limits this fall, but doesn’t want the state’s Game and Fish Commission to run the show. So city fathers declared the town a deer camp-and cut down on a lot of red tape. And now Eureka Springs, not the commission, can decide who hunts what and where and for how long.

And here we thought summer was a slow time for news.

WHO BROUGHT the ice? Are you telling me that nobody thought to bring ice? If somebody didn’t bring ice, then somebody’s got to run all the way back into town to get a truckload. How are we going to ice down any deer we shoot if nobody brought ice? Not to mention enough to put in our drinks. Here’s another camp rule: Anytime somebody comes from town, bring a bag of ice. We have a sit-down freezer, so we’ll always need more.

When y’all go to your stands, remember a few things: Stay out of the streets and stay away from the houses of people who don’t want you shooting their pet deer. There are quite a few people who voted against this hunt, so let’s not offend them. If you hunt on private land, it better be yours, or you better have the owner’s permission to hunt there. Remember, this is a deer club now. We can kick you out if you aren’t a lady or gentleman when you hunt.

Who’s cooking in the morning? Anybody want to volunteer to get up at 4:30 and start the bacon and eggs? Somebody better volunteer or we’re drawing straws.

Remember, in this club you have to kill a doe first. Them’s the rules in the Eureka Springs Deer Camp. After you’ve been issued a doe tag from the city, you can shoot a doe, a deer, a female deer. After that, you can start hunting bucks. But let’s not forget the reason for the hunt: to cull the herd. And it needs culling something awful. The deer are all in our gardens and all over the roadways, and it’s become impossible to run them off. The best way to cut down on any kind of herd to is cut down on the number of females. So if you can’t shoot a doe, you can’t hunt here.

Great jumpin’ horny toads! We forgot to bring a pack of cards. Next time somebody goes to town for ice, pick up a couple o’ decks of playing cards.

Also, y’all: If you don’t tag-out, return your permits to the city before you leave. Your tags won’t do you any good gathering dust in your truck. If you’ve got to leave camp to go to work and you don’t think you’re going to make another weekend of deer hunting, the city needs to give those permits to somebody else. Every deer taken out of the city limits is a deer we don’t have to worry about running over in our cars.

Okay, here’s the clean-up roster. No arguing. We’re tried to space it out so’s if you’re cooking one morning you don’t have to clean up after supper that night. But everybody’s got a turn. Roger, you get two turns on kitchen duty this year because you left us with that mess last January and headed for home without cleaning it up. And you were the last one to leave camp. Can you imagine what the place smelled like when we opened it up in April? Come to think, let’s give you four clean-up nights.

THERE’S BEEN some talk around that not everybody’s pleased about the city’s running the deer camp this year. That maybe it’d be better if the Game and Fish people were in charge. So let’s everybody be on their best behavior. If you see a civilian, just tip your hat and explain what you’re up to. You shouldn’t be near anybody’s property who don’t want you there, but you might encounter a jogger or maybe somebody walking a dog. I’d better not hear of you chewing any of them out because they’re “messing up your hunting.” Remember, they are citizens, too, and may even have voted for this hunt. Let’s not turn them against us by acting a fool.

Remember, be careful and aim well. We don’t want wounded deer running into playgrounds and freaking out a bunch of kids. Then again, you all are bow hunters-the only kind of hunters we allow on these hunts inside city limits-and you have a rep for being patient, careful and deadly accurate. Let’s maintain it.

Can everybody re-check all the trucks? Somebody’s got to have remembered to bring ice. How can anybody drive to a deer camp and not remember to bring ice? Tell me that.