LITTLE ROCK — I’ve given up television.
Yes, me, the junk programming junkie and bottom-feeder fodder fiend, am done with my addiction.
Or rather, it is done with me. Temporarily.
It started when one television (the one I got from my parents for my 15th birthday with the warning not to watch too much: “After all, you’ll never get a job watching TV!” Heh.) went out. And then it went out to the curb with a “broken” sign on it. Someone handy or someone who should be on Hoarders (sigh, A&E how I miss thee) - still hoisted it off.
No problem. I still had another television!
Then during the process of selling stuff before a move, I knocked out the satellite service to the second set. But, but, what if I missed a squirrel water-skiing to the Baywatchtheme on America’s Got Talent? And how was I going to see brothers Bobby and J.R. quibble for the quadrillionth time on the old-is-new-again Dallas? Gulp! Now I was getting a little nervous. I called for assistance to remedy the static and restore my slipping sanity.
It turns out there was a total connection failure. Not only with the device but with the technician unlucky enough to be working on a Saturday and having a simpleton like me on the line.
Her: “You see the splitter?”
Me: “What’s a splitter?”
Her: “It’s a box ...”
Me: “Do you mean, the silvery thingy?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “I see it !”
Her: “You should have two of them.”
Me: “But I only have one silver thingy!”
No fixes resulted, just splitting headaches for both of us. Because I’d be moving in justa couple of weeks, I decided to stop the service.
No problem, I still had a computer!
A flickering computer that must have picked up some kind of virus when I downloaded the latest version of Flash Player.
No problem, I had an iPad!
Said the first screen I attempted to watch: “Sorry we’re unable to play this video over your cellular connection. Please connect to Wi-Fi.” Which I can’t do until I’m moved into my new place and have service set up.
No problem, I had friends - wonderful, loving friends who were happy to open their homes to a pal in need.
Well, I did until I made them watch such drivel as The Bachelorette, Mob Wives Chicago and Dating in the Wild.
No problem! I didn’t need television, Internet, an iPad or friends! I had books!
Well, I did until I packed them away.
Tune in, e-mail: [email protected] Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture and a weekly segment on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 at 7 a.m. Thursdays. Listen live and hear podcasts at b98.com.
Style, Pages 50 on 06/24/2012