LITTLE ROCK — I’ve said before that all I really need to know I learned on Temptation Island. And then Love Cruise. And then The Bachelor. And then The Anna Nicole Show. And then The Bachelorette. And then Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica.
And then The Simple Life. And then America’s Next Top Model 2. And then Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search. And then MTV’s Power Girls. And then Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. And then the second installment of Dancing With the Stars.
And then the fifth season of American Idol.And then Victoria Beckham: Coming to America. And then MTV’s Pageant Place. And then the fourth installment of Project Runway. And then Rock of Love 2. And then the fourth season of Top Chef. And the Duggars’ 19 Kids and Counting. And The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And the second season of Celebrity Apprentice. And Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. And Jersey Shore. And The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And Mob Wives. And Couples Therapy.
But all I really need to know I learned from one episode of Big Ang (Sunday nights, VH1), a reality show about Mob Wives’ 52-yearold raspy, buxom breakout star Angela Raiola of Staten Island and her family and friends in the Mafia. Big Ang is supposedly a woman; still, we wonder if “she” is not a former “wise guy” in the witness protection program who used to be Big Angelo.
Be real. Real addicted to lip injections, breast implants, fake lashes, dark eye shadow, spray tans and hair extensions.
Know who your real “maniacs” - Big Ang’s words for “friends” - are.
Embrace your inner child. Like Big Ang’s friend Jennifer. She admits she still lives with her parents and is afraid of the dark. When she’s, um, 53 years old. Yeah, change this one to: “Embrace therapy.”
There’s a time and place for everything. Like midlife and dancing on tables at a place called the Drunken Monkey (Big Ang’s bar).
Care for your kids ... long after they’re kids. Beg your 23-year-old son to move into your house. (Hey, it’s better than the Big House. Last month, Big Ang’s son A.J. Donofrio and four other men were indicted by a Brooklyn grand jury on 50 counts of conspiracy and criminal sale and possession of controlled substances. He pleaded not guilty.)
Honor your spouse (or whatever you call the 15-years-younger sanitation worker you’re legally married to and occasionally “date” even though you kicked out him of the house over cheating and drinking). Feel the tiniest bit guilty - or is that just tipsy? - when he walks into your bar’s grand reopening as you’re grinding up against a shirtless bartender you hired.
Accentuate the positive. When Big Ang’s husband tries to win her back, he attempts to woo her with a line no female - well, no 16-yearold female - could resist: “I have my own bank account. And I got a new truck.”
Forgiveness is good for the soul. And story lines. Big Ang is considering having her “so called husband” move back in. (Will she follow through? Says Ang: “Let me retract this. I always make decisions when I’m on Patron. Let me sleep on this.” To be continued - the plot and the tequila, that is.)
Share your smarts ... and your silicone. In addition to her TV show, Big Ang is writing a book (Bigger Is Better: Real Life Wisdom From the No-Drama Mama, to be released by Simon & Schuster on Sept. 11) and scouting locations for a beauty/clothing store to be called Big Ang’s Secrets.
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Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture and a weekly segment on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 at 7 a.m. Thursdays. Listen live and hear podcasts at b98.com.
Style, Pages 43 on 07/15/2012