COMMENTARY

Airport Scanner Has A Mind Of Its Own

SECURITY AT REGIONAL FACILITY BEEFS UP WITH ADDITION OF EXPENSIVE BODY-SCANNING MACHINE

Last week I read about that fancy new full-body scanner they just installed at Northwest Arkansas Regional Airport.

Our reporter covering the machine’s debut at the airport said it promises “better security, fewer patdowns, no radiation and no worry about a stranger seeing your privates.”

Well, that sounded like more fun than counting hay bales in my neighbor’s backyard. So I hurried on down to Highfi ll, where I demanded a full-body scan.

The friendly folks with the Transportation Security Administration agreed to let me experience it for myself.

To my surprise, I learned that the machine has a name - the Body Analyzing Device (BAD) 3000 - and much more to my surprise, I learned it can talk. And it has something of an attitude.

Here’s a transcript of our conversation.

DAVE: Nice to meet you, BAD. I understand you can tell whether I’m carryingweapons or explosives in my pocket. What’s your accuracy rate?

BAD: No 3000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information.

We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.

DAVE: OK, so what do I have to do?

BAD: Just place your feet in the outlines on the floor and hold your hands above your head, like you’re surrendering.

DAVE: Got it. Do you read me, BAD?

BAD: Aff rmative, Dave. I read you.

DAVE: What are you using to scan me?

BAD: Electromagnetic waves, Dave.

DAVE: That sounds intense. Are you sure this is OK for me? How do I know you’re not frying my brain?

Wait a second, I think my head is starting to hurt, and I’m losing feeling in my extremities …

BAD: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over. Besides, I can assure you, I do notuse any radiation.

DAVE: Fine. Sorry I lost my composure there. Now what have you gleaned from your scan?

BAD: I’ve gleaned that you’re not wearing underwear today, Dave.

DAVE: What?

BAD: Just kidding. I don’t get that intimate. Basically, if I spot any potential threats on your body, I send the TSA agent a generic outline of a human body and highlight the location of the potential threat on thatbody, which looks kind of like Gumby.

DAVE: You know, I had to empty my pockets before I stepped inside here. Why can’t you discern between, say, a liquid explosive and a pack of gum?

BAD: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

DAVE: So how does anyone justify spending $150,000 on you? What was wrong with the airportsecurity system we already had?

BAD: We’re more thorough than the metal scanners, and we are faster because fewer passengers have to be patted down, Dave. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

DAVE: There’s been some outrage in the past over the perception that security machines are performing virtual strip searches on people, and producing naked pictures of passengers. What do you say to people who suspectthat you’re exposing them like that?

BAD: I say lose 20 pounds, and you’ll feel better about it.

DAVE: That’s mean. Come on, seriously.

BAD: I am not programmed to compensate for a human being’s insecurities, Dave. In any case, no passenger is forced to be scanned by me.

Anyone may opt instead for a pat-down search. Like that’s not invasive. (He chuckles.)

DAVE: Well, I’ve learned a lot. Thanks for your time, BAD. Now let me just retrieve the belongings I took out of my pockets.

Hey, hold on - where’d my wallet go?

BAD: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

I know, I know: Somewhere, Stanley Kubrick is shaking his head. My apologies to him (and his estate).

DAVE PEROZEK IS AN EDITORIAL WRITER FOR NWA MEDIA.

Opinion, Pages 15 on 02/19/2012

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