Ipoked my head out of the bomb shelter long enough to determine it looks like the Mayans’ projections of our demise were, to paraphrase Mark Twain, greatly exaggerated.
The good news is we’re all still around. The bad news is it looks like I’m going to have to get my driver’s license renewed.
With the passing of Dec. 21, 2012, it now appears the prospects of a nuclear North Korea and/or Iran, global climate change and the returns line at Walmart are the greatest threats to my continued existence. But the whole Mayan thing got me to think about all the crises, real and, apparently, imagined, I’ve made it through.
So, cue Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” and let’s review.
Y2K
An oldie (well, 13 years ago, anyway), but a goodie. If you’ll recall, the contention was the geniuses who made space travel possible, coordinate air traftc across the globe and allow you to record several TV shows at the same time, couldn’t count to 2000, which was going to shut down computers and everything they controlled everywhere. Thankfully, it seems the geniuses could.
A personal note: The company I worked for at the time took the impending doom of 2000 seriously enough to issue oftcial Y2K kits, which consisted of a fl ashlight.
Now, everyone at the company was only there during the day, so I’m not sure how much good flashlights were going to do for us. And if the entire power grid collapses, banking shuts down, riots ensue and chaos envelopes the world, I’m probably not going to make it in to work.
Just a heads up.
SARS, MAD COW DISEASE,
THE SWINE FLU, THE AVIAN FLU, THE SPANISH FLU, THE BOOGIE WOOGIE FLU, ETC.
I do occasionally have a relapse of the Rockin’ Pneumonia. But only in the shower. And at stoplights.
DRIVING ON INTERSTATE 540
I’m a big believer in the late George Carlin’s contention that everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot and everyone who drives faster is a maniac. But people, come on.
The road surface isn’t much better in the left-hand lane, directional signals really aren’t an option and once you’re beside the truck is a bad time to determine you really don’t want to go fast enough to pass it. OK, I’m venting.
THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS
In light of some of the goofy projections of gloom we’ve been subjected to, it’s worth noting there was a time when we faced real, unimaginable horror and humankind came through. An aside: When I was a kid, we used to have nuclear attack drills, which consisted of crawling underneath our desks. So, we’ve got a thermonuclear blast capable of leveling cities versus cheap wood and aluminum. Yeah, that was going to work out.
JUNIOR HIGH
I was 6-2, weighed 140 pounds and had moved to Arkansas from Michigan, so I had a funny accent.
I’m going to say a year on Devil’s Island would be pretty tough. But after that … TEACHING A CHILD TO DRIVE A CAR
The first one totaled a car before she ever had her driver’s license, hit two houses (don’t you hate it when they just jump out in front of you?) and rear-ended a dump truck (Really? You didn’t see that?). Frankly, teaching a blind chimpanzee to drive through a minefield while I was handcuffed to the door handle would have been less stressful.
Generally, the lovely Mrs.
Smith and I have a version of the “good cop, bad cop” approach to teaching kids to drive. My wife goes withhysterical screaming and ghost braking. I tend to favor stoic, “so this is how it ends, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a miscalculated lane change” fatalism. “No honey, I didn’t see that car. I was busy watching my life pass before my eyes.”
It’s three down, one to go for us, and the last one seems fairly grounded, so we may be out of the woods. Grandkids are someone else’s problem. I may not even be driving by then.
THE (FILL IN THE BLANK) ADMINISTRATION
Every election, someone wins, someone loses, the sun rises the next and all subsequent days.
Democracy, that most perfect of governments formed by the most fallible of men, continues on.
Remember, at various times in our history, Jimmy Carter, Warren G. Harding and someone named Rutherford have been president.
Chances are, it will all be OK. Always has been, anyway.
The New Year is upon us, full of hope, promise and, certainly, more crises.
Here’s hoping you survive yours, at least as well as you have so far. And now, if you’ll excuse me, scientists say about 9,000 asteroids come close to the Earth during their regular orbits.
So it’s back to the bomb shelter.
GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.
Opinion, Pages 5 on 12/27/2012