Ring the bell

For our Christmas doggerel

Monday, December 24, 2012

— Christmas Eve’s a sorry riddle - Two sides split right down the middle:

Half want Santa’s sleigh to fly Left! -

A blue streak in the sky;

But half say no, and point him Right! -

Up all night, a red-eye flight.

Rudolph leads the “Fly Right” corps,

With Tiny Tim, Mark Darr and more,

Including Dasher, Dancer, Vixen,

Steve Womack and his pal, Blitzen -

All inspired by Rudolph’s nose

To load the sleigh with bright-red bows.

Frosty adds his rotund heft

To those who holler, “Left! - fly left!”

Mark Pryor, Mike Beebe join the cause

To save what’s left of Santa Claus,

And Comet, Cupid, elves, et al.

March left-left-left, around the mall.

Jack Frost and his fellow sprite

Rick Crawford enter scene: Stage right.

Bob Cratchit pours the chocolate sauce

To middle left, across Mike Ross;

Tom Cotton takes a right-brain view

On what goes down the chimney flue.

Two turtle doves and three French hens

Take wing, just like Tim Griffin’s friends:

Ten lords a’leaping to the right,

At quite a terrifying height,

And coming down ka-thump, ka-thump,

To give St. Nick a Christmas bump.

Eight maids a’milking aim their cows

All facing left above their troughs

And sing, “Good cheer, wassail, wassail!”

While filling up a great big pail

For Will Bond and his jolly team,

To make blueberry-blue ice cream.

Santa watches all this fun

Of push and pull, and block and run,

And can’t decide which way to go

When half say to, and half say fro;

He sits down in a crumpled slump,

Beset with gloom. In short - a grump.

“If I go right-right-right all night,

And leave out left? -

That can’t be right,”

He wonders, chewing on his beard;

This mix-up’s worse than Santa feared.

There’s nothing left for him to do

But straighten out the ho-whole crew.

“There’s more than just two ways to go,”

He tells the troops, and shows them so:

“There’s Bret Bielema - going red;

And Gus Malzahn - gone orange, instead;

A football year more yawn than brawn,

And John L. Smith, just gone-gone-gone.”

“There’s Tisha Gribble, gone high style;

And Wendy Richter, made of smile;

And Milton Crenchaw, flying high;

And Paul Leopoulos, artful guy;

And Courtney Pledger, on the go

To save the Hot Springs picture show.”

“Not right, not left, but straight and low

Wyn Norwood sinks a putt just so;

Not left, not right, but high with glee

John Jeter leads the symphony;

And Bob Boyd sits as merrily

On either side of Santa’s knee.”

So now, in light of Santa’s rant,

The left side must, of course, recant,

The right side, too, must mend the rift,

Or else slide off an icy cliff.

Both sides must reach a compromise

With seconds left ’til Santa flies.

Rudolph blinks - at least his nose;

Frosty thaws - at least his toes.

Prancer paws the frozen ground;

John Boozman, anxious, looks around

At Miles James, Paula Morell, Johnny Bale,

All wondering if the talks will fail.

But then! - as sure as Mayan magic,

Full accord averts the tragic.

Santa’s flight plan, filed, reads this way:

“Let the Old Boy do things his way,

Just make sure that all goes right,

And no one’s left out this fine night.”

Editorial, Pages 10 on 12/24/2012