THE CAT SIDE

Cat Miffed At Coach Hire

FELINE CAN THROW A MEAN HEADSET, GIVE PEOPLE MARCHING ORDERS

Finally, employment worthy of my talent that pays big bucks and I didn’t get the job. Becoming the Razorbacks football coach was my ticket out of this human-infested hovel.

I had high hopes when I emailed my resume to Jeft Long, athletic director.

Coach Boat Dock has a nice ring to it. I’d look good on the sidelines in a red hoodie, Razorback ball cap and carrying a clipboard.

If the ref makes a bad call, I can throw a headset with the best of ’em.

All the sports talk shows yammered on that the new coach would be Les Miles, Jon Gruden or me, Boat Dock. Who would you choose? That’s a no-brainer.

So it’s a fine wooo pig sooie that I was passed over as the Razorbacks head football coach. I’ve sent a card to Coach Bielema conceding the job and wishing him well.

My bubble has been burst, not to mention the down payment on my own house. I guess it’s my fate to bunk in with the cat butler through life No. 9.

I can hear you readersnow, “Boat Dock, what attributes, other than being sneaky, qualify you to be the top Hog?”

That’s so funny I forgot to laugh. Take a look at my resume.

If you read the part under experience, you’ll note I’ve been ordering people around all of my fi ve years here on the planet.

If I can train my doorman to turn on the bathroom faucet when I get thirsty, I can teach a bunch of 19-year-olds to march a football down a fi eld.

At the news conference, reporters would ask, “Coach Boat Dock, what playing experience do you have?”

They’ve evidently not seen me run a 40-yard dashwhile dodging the living room furniture with a rubber mouse in my maw.

Rose Bowl schmo’s bowl. I’d bet my food bowl we’d be No. 1 next season with me roaming the sidelines, tail held high.

It’s all linoleum under the litter box now that I won’t be bossing the players at Razorback Stadium - unless the new coach can use a handsome assistant.

Yo, Coach Bielema. I’m available.

BOAT DOCK IS FELINE OUTDOORS COLUMNIST FOR NWA MEDIA. HIS COLUMNS APPEAR WHEN HE FEELS LIKE WRITING ONE. WRITE TO BOAT DOCK ON FACEBOOK. SEARCH BOAT DOCK UNDER PEOPLE.

Outdoor, Pages 8 on 12/13/2012

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