HEART & SOUL

If taking in girl, 17, a trial, verdict is joy

— Four years ago I took in an unofficial foster child; a classmate of my daughter’s who came to live with us shortly before her 17th birthday. As I write this, we’ve just celebrated her 21st birthday. The next day she is headed back to college, where she has a straight A average, a career plan and a happy life.

It’s amazing to me that it has only been four years. To be honest, it seems longer. Taking in someone else’s teenager isn’t easy. Even though there are so many joys, much sweetness and laughter, and tremendous growth on all sides, there’s also frustration, disruption, and huge adjustments. Our situation wasn’t planned or arranged, we weren’t sure how long it would last, and none of us were truly prepared for the changes it would bring.

At first, this child needed a temporary home and we had one. Over time, her own family situation was never resolved so she stayed with us. My rules were different from what she was used to and she hadn’t had much stability. Ours was a different family dynamic. We had different concepts of courtesy, responsibility and even what was appropriate to wear or share. Add in the fact that she was my third teenager and the challenges were intensified.

I can’t fully articulate how taking her in changed my other two children, because I’ll never know what they’d have been like if she hadn’t joined our family. But I do know that when I say, “God puts people in our paths for a reason,” they tell me they think of her. And when I finish that thought by saying, “And then He stands back and waits to see how we respond,” they don’t assume that response is going to be something easy. They know how hard commitment can be.

The truth is, we can’t always respond as we’d like.Our lives and our own obligations must take priority. But once in a while we can show up for someone who isn’t easy, who maybe is a little messy, difficult, and even resentful. And now and then, we can look in the mirror and recognize how broken, messy and resentful we are.

“I wasn’t trained for this,” I told myself. “I didn’t ask for this,” I’d say in frustration to my fiance or a close friend. And the whole time that still, small voice inside replied, “Ah, but you did ask. You called out for help, and I brought you help - I brought someone who needs you.”

For several years we struggled with what to call each other. I wasn’t her mom, although she usually called me that. She wasn’t officially my daughter, although that’s what I called her. To people who don’t know the situation, I now refer to her as my foster daughter, because even though she didn’t come to me through the state or any institution, it fits. I hope I fostered in her things she needed and I could give - stability, hope, flexibility, and an appreciation of the hard work it takes to make a good life.

There are so many needy kids out there, and they are not easy. They are particularly difficult as teens. Many times in my life I could have done better, but I know I gave this child about all I had to give. Even so, other parents have done 10 times as much for kids who weren’t their own. I know two who continue to do more than I did for 10 times as many children as I took in. You’re only hearing my story because I have a column.

And my story - our story - has a really happy ending. We celebrated her birthday and so much more. There were lots of memories around that table, lots of laughter and lots of love. We’re all better people for having shared our lives, and we’d all do it again because it was so worth it.

Write to Jennifer Hansen at Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, P.O. Box 7, Springdale, Ark. 72765. E-mail her at:

[email protected]

Family, Pages 31 on 09/14/2011

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