SPIN CYCLE Smart-mouth need an out? Just blame the auto-correct

— “USB Tenno green?”

What I meant to say is, “Isn’t technology grand?”

Luckily I have my smarty pants iPhone 4 to auto-creek me - I mean “auto-correct” me.

Anyone with the phone or other touchscreen keyboard is family - I mean “familiar” - with the convice - I mean “convenient” - feature that TTY - I mean “tries” - to guess what you’re going to type and doctors the spelling before you finish.

It’s a highly efficient tool that allows you to hurriedly click out a message in seconds - and then spend the next few hours correcting theauto-corrects. They can often be very embassy - I mean “embarrassing.”

So hilarious and humiliating are the phones’ fixes that there is a whole website: Damnyouautocorrect.com - as well as a forthcoming book - devoted to “funny iPhone fails and auto-correcthorror stories.” People send in screen shots of their phones with unfortunate edits for the amusement of others.

There was the kid who wanted to wish Momma a belated Valentine’s Day on Feb. 15. And instead wished her a “be-latex” one.

And the student who wanted to say “doing a project” when asked what was up. And instead said “doing a priest.”

And the person who encouraged a friend he’d get a girlfriend someday: “Well, dude u will fondle the right person eventually. Fondle! Urgh, FIND!”

And the person who confessed “OMG. Help! I’m obsessed with sodomy!” instead of Sudoku.

And the patient who announced physical therapy went great: “Doc says he’s really happy with my promiscuity!” Or her “progress.”

And the - PETA alert! - pet owner who was “about to take the puppies to the broilers.” Er, groomers. And the other pet owner who had to “give my cat a little arsenic.” Er, attention.

Such mistral - I mean “mistakes” - can land you in quite a bit of tribal - I mean “trouble” - if they are sent to someone without a sense of humidity - I mean “humor.”So be sure to profit - I mean “proofread” correspondence carefully before sending.

But auto-correct can also help us out of sticky situations.

Perhaps we quickly fired off a text that we wish we could rescind. We can always cry auto-correct later.

Say you ask someone on a “date” and she rejects you. Tell her - LOL at auto-correct! - you weren’t asking her out, you were inquiring about her friend “Dana,” “Dina,” “Diana,” etc.

Say you call your boyfriend a name and tell him you want to “break up” and later regret the hasty message. Tell him- stupid auto-correct! - you were asking him about meeting for “jerky” and “brews” later.

Say you tell your boss that she can smooch your assets and later feel remorse. Tell her - oh, silly auto-correct! - you meant to say you wished to “Keep” “assessing” the situation.

See, USB Tenno green after all!

Sense, er, send an e-mail to: [email protected] Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture and a weekly segment on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 at 7 a.m. Thursdays. Listen live and hear podcasts at b98.com

Style, Pages 50 on 02/27/2011

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