LITTLE ROCK — DEAR CAROLYN: Our extended family is gathering to celebrate a dear cousin’s 70th birthday, with people driving and flying in from all over. My husband and I and my two adult sons (plus one son’s girlfriend) plan to meet up in my cousin’s hometown. I reserved three hotel rooms just to be sure we had enough space.
My sister has asked to stay with us so she can save money, and of course I agreed. My husband and I decided to put my husband and one son (he’s 27) in one room, my sister and me in another, and the son and his girlfriend in the third. My son is 23 and the girlfriend is 20. They have been together for over a year.
I am catching a lot of grief from my sister over this plan, as she does not approve of the son and girlfriend sharing a room. She said we were “horrible parents.” My son and his girlfriend didn’t necessarily expect to have a room of their own, but were quite happy when I told them what my husband and I had decided.
Our parents have died, and my sister is all I have for immediate family, so I would like to keep the peace, but I am seething. We have a great relationship with both our adult sons, love them dearly, and also love our younger son’s girlfriend. Any advice for how to preserve the peace?
- Anonymous
DEAR READER: Your sister’s entitled to her opinion, but to voice such a critical opinion - particularly in the form of a personal attack - while also accepting the gift of your hospitality says she’s socially tone deaf at best.
Had she merely said to you, “I’m not comfortable being part of a group that includes an unmarried couple sharing a room,” she at least would have allowed room for discussion, compromise or even just civil disagreement. But she bypassed the high road.
She also could have taken the live-and-let-live road, by saying no thank you to your hotel room, without elaborating, and getting her own room on her own dime. She passed that one, too.
Since you’re smarting at the criticism instead of calling her on her disregard for boundaries - or just on the silliness of her demand that adults not be treated as adults - I suspect she isn’t just clueless, but instead accustomed to pushing you around. And you’re accustomed to taking it.
In that case, capitulating will certainly keep your sister in your life on the usual terms. But she will never be much of a friend or a comfort to you that way.
Meanwhile, you have an ideal opportunity to stand up for yourself without fuss, because you have all the power. It’s your family, your hotel reservation; you don’t need to debate with her, or justify yourself, or even explain yourself. You don’t have to risk your fragile family ties on a big confrontation.
Instead, just tell your sister, politely, that you meant no offense. You merely operated on the understanding that you’re all adults here (ahem), and so a pragmatic solution made sense. Then say you’ll understand if she no longer wants to stay with you, but that she’s still welcome nevertheless.
It’s “OK, Sis, whatever” with all the kindness she opted against.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or e-mail [email protected]
Style, Pages 31 on 10/26/2010