LET’S TALK Talkmistress’ fantasy gifts put Neiman Marcus to shame

— For Christmas this year, Let’s Talk will do things a bit differently.

Desiring to save space due to the persistent lousy economy, we will combine two of our most endearing (we like to think) features: The somewhat annual fun-poking at the fantasy gifts in the Neiman Marcus Christmas book with the somewhat annual Let’s Talk Christmas Gift Guide. The result: Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts vs. Let’s Talk Fantasy Gifts. This guide offers up the latter’s cheaper alternatives to a few of the uber-expensive treats found in the former’s 2010 Christmas catalog.

Enjoy.

Neiman Marcus fantasy gift: The 2011 Neiman Marcus Edition Camaro Convertible. For a mere $75,000, you can have this beauty, one of only 100 Camaro special edition convertibles built, accordingto the catalog. This “vroomer” sports a 6.2-liter V8 engine and comes with a choice of manual or automatic transmission; a bunch of high-performance, fancy-car-lingo thises and thats; wireless phone; OnStar system; XM satellite radio on a kick-tail sound system; a fancy tricoat paint job; amber leather interior seating; and darn-near the ability to drive itself and save you from angry attack robots.

Let’s Talk fantasy gift: A topof-the-line “Don’t Laugh - It’s Paid For” bumper sticker foryour existing hoopty. You may say a bumper sticker is a bumper sticker, but this one is sure to put to shame those political-, moral-, popular culture- and/or social-issue-themed rectangles holding your rust bucket together right now. Our bumper sticker glows in the dark and features rhinestones and chasing lights. It will be a prominent reminder to you and others that you may not have a gazilliondollar Camaro, but you don’t have a car note either. Oh, you do? “Don’t Laugh - It’ll Soon Be Paid For” bumper stickers are also available.

Neiman Marcus fantasy gift: A $15,000 Edible Gingerbread Playhouse by Dylan’s Candy Bar (whose stores and products have not yet hit Arkansas, according to the company’s website). The playhouse stands 6.6 feet high; it’s made of 381 pounds of gourmet gingerbread and 517 pounds of icing;boasts “literally thousands” of gourmet sweets as add-ons (cookies, lollipops, gummies,) as well as a lollipop tree inside; and is a mother of a kiddie tummy-ache in the making.

Let’s Talk fantasy gift: An Edible Fruit and Veggie Playhouse by the Kroger’s produce section. It’s made to look just like the gingerbread playhouse, but with none of the likely resulting weight problems and cavities. True, you’d better eat or refrigerate this stuff fairly fast (especially the broccoli). But if by chance your kid was still playing in the gingerbread playhouse several weeks later, that stuff wouldn’t be so edible either, would it?

Neiman Marcus fantasy gift: A Tequila Avion Private Party by Colin Cowie. It’s a party for 75 people, created by celebrity event planner Cowie and featuring Tequila Avion cocktails by noted “mixologist” YusefAustin; food by celebrity chef Todd English; and music by celeb DJ Donna d’Cruz. Thrown in is a signed, keepsake bottle of Tequila Avion. Ticket price: $125,000.

Let’s Talk fantasy gift: An Official Arkansas Rent or House Note Party for 75 guests. Forget Colin Cowie and the top-shelf tequila. Think box wine, a few buckets of KFC, hors d’oeuvres from Sam’s Club and DJ-ing by the cousin of the guy up the street. Pass the hat around in the tradition of the old jazzy, bluesy Harlem rent parties, and you can keep the landlord or the mortgage company happy for yet another month or two. (The downside: Your guests may be even more broke than you and therefore have naught to put in the hat.)

Neiman Marcus fantasy gift: A Dale Chihuly Pool Sculpture Installation. Internationally known glass artist Chihuly(whose work has been shown at the Arkansas Arts Center) offers a privately commissioned art installation, up to 22 feet by 12 feet, at the bottom of your swimming pool. But you’ll have to fork over $1.5 million for the privilege.

Let’s Talk fantasy gift: A J.R. Keaton Finger-Painting Installation. For a nominal fee, the Talkmistress’ nearly 3-year-old great-niece, Jourdin Keaton, will finger-paint the bottom of your inflatable pool. Or, if you wish, the bottom of your tub, bathroom or kitchen sink. Or perhaps your walls. Installation packages are available for a discount.

Oh, and all Let’s Talk fantasy gifts come with year’s worth of Let’s Talk columns, lovingly photocopied and stapled together for your convenience.

Limited-edition e-mail:

[email protected]

Style, Pages 62 on 10/24/2010

Upcoming Events