FORCES OF NURTURE: One is laughing just a bit too hard

— I went to see Sex and the City 2 with a few of my girlfriends recently. (Don’t worry, this won’t ruin the movie for you.)

First, my confession: I was never a fan of Sex and the City. Not that I didn’t like it, I just can’t talk my husband into expensive cable, so I missed the wave. In truth, I didn’t know much about the characters until I saw the first movie. It was pretty good. But the real point was getting together with my girlfriends.

OK, and there are some really sexy men in these movies. And they’re usually naked. But that’s not why I went. Pinkie swear. It’s all about my girls and camaraderie. Really.

Anyway, there was one scene in the latest flick that really resonated with me. It’s where Miranda and Charlotte are sitting at a bar with enormous cocktails talking about the struggles of motherhood.

For those who don’t follow the show, all you need to know is that these are two moms. And they’re married to men who are fully involved fathers. Oh, and they have full-time, in-home child care.

I know what you’re thinking. They’re just like me!

But seriously, despite our obvious differences, I really related to their chat. It amounted to a confession session. Between admissions, they gulped their martinis to soothe their souls and to muster courage for the next admission.

My mom friends and I do this all the time. With and without cocktails. I’m not sure what this says about me, but I’m not close friends with those moms who make things look easy. You know, the ones who wear white pants to the park and they stay white.

We’ve all watched women like this and wonder how they manage to seem so serene despite the chaotic storm of children around them. I’m thinking it has something to do with regular Botox and strong sedatives, but I digress.

My friends’ kids, though, aren’t perfect. They say inappropriate things and have bruises on their shins. My friends and I aren’t those unflappable women. We get rattled. We are impatient. We have tempers.

Like Charlotte in the movie, we sometimes lock ourselves in rooms away from our children and cry.

Sometimes - not all the time- our kids get on our freaking nerves. Sometimes we fabricate errands to get away from them on weekends. (Sorry, honey.)

We don’t always have time to make beds. Gasp! We’re the ones who buy those frozen tubes of cookie dough, Pop-Tarts and produce that’s not organic.

That’s not to say we don’t love our kids. We really do. But we’re not afraid to admit that motherhood can be really hard. And we often feel like we’re failing.

My friend Kelly, who is a brilliant mental health professional incidentally, has talked to me about employing what she calls “good enough” parenting. We can’t meet the mom-withthe-white-pants standard of excellence, but we can be good enough.

Our kids can be happy, healthy and clean. We can have close and loving relationships with them. Sure, they may know we’re human and make mistakes. But they also know we’re not afraid to admit weakness.

We say, “Mama’s sorry.”

Kelly says it’s the follow-up that matters. Snapping at yourchild isn’t going to irreparably harm them. What matters is the talk you have later. When you explain why you snapped and say you’re sorry.

In short - they’ll be fine if you’re not the perfect mother. In fact, they may be better for it.

One day Kelly and I will write a book about Good Enough Parenting and make a fortune. We’ll laugh over cocktails while our nannies take our kids to the zoo. We’ll spend our time shopping for white linen pants.

But back to the movie and the cocktail confessions. Charlotte confides to Miranda that the worst part of the idea of her husband cheating on her with their busty nanny wouldn’t be his betrayal. It would be finding another nanny.

As I gushed with laughter, I realized I was laughing a lot harder than my girlfriends.

Oops.

Then I figured out why. None of them have kids.

Cindy Murphy is a news reporter for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. She and her husband live in Little Rock with their 4-year-old daughter and 1-year-old son. She and Cathy Frye are co-editors of LittleRock Mamas.com. E-mail her at

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Family, Pages 33 on 06/09/2010

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