MALE CALL Ask the bride what she wants her man to wear

— Q. While I have been a casual reader of your column, and appreciated its helping me understand some of the specifics as I entered the world of business dress, I never had a question. I do now - a biggee.

I’m at minus-11 months to my wedding and with my fiancee planning and addressing so many elements of our “formal wedding,” it seems I should at least know some general bridegroom information and the specifics of what I should look like. All the TV shows are about brides. I suspect the clothing stores will be trying to sell me items rather than giving great advice, and I do not have parents to pass on their wisdom. Any help is appreciated.

A. As the mother of four sons, I am happy to play “temporary mother” to one more, if advice is all you need.

Formal weddings - with all their fine points and perfections - are once again “in.” From the day she first checks wedding websites or leafs through bridal fashion pages, every bride finds more than her share of advice on what to wear and how to look lovely on “her special day.” But this is also the bridegroom’s special day. While he is not supposed to steal the show, he still wants to look his best. Unless you have a strong preference, it might be a very nice expression of caring on your part to ask your fiancee which of the following options she would like you to wear.

Certain customs do not change. What generally determines the degree of formality of a wedding - and thus, what the bridegroom will wear - is the bride’s vision of her wedding, beginning with the wedding dress and the number of attendants. If she chooses a long gown with a train and a veil and has more than three or four bridesmaids, the wedding is usually formal. If she wears something shorter and has fewer attendants, then something less formal may be in order for the bridegroom.

In elite social circles, when the wedding is formal, thebridegroom is likely to conform to the most elaborate traditional men’s dress code, known as “white tie and tails.” During daytime hours, this consists of a cutaway coat of dark, oxford gray wool (sometimes referred to as “a morning coat”). For after dark or after 5 p.m., whichever occurs first, he wears a long black tailcoat with white bow tie and waistcoat. A black top hat can be part of the look (think Fred Astaire in Royal Wedding).

This sort of super-correct formal dressing allows for very little deviation. On the other hand, there are very few occasions in a man’s life to wear either a cutaway or a tailcoat. For this reason, if white-tie dressing is your goal, my strong recommendation is to go to the very best rental agency in town.

The cutaway (for daytime wear) is accompanied by either an ascot or a black-andgray striped four-in-hand (long) tie; the black tailcoat (for evening wear) is worn with a white wing-collar shirt, white cotton bow tie, and matching white waistcoat (vest).

Tradition decrees that a wedding is either formal or informal. But I would like to interject a note of reality. Even if custom and tradition dictate “full dress” (that is, cutaway or tailcoat) as correct, this does not always make sense for the groom and his groomsmen (ushers). Youth and financial situations may supersede tradition, while staying within the realm of good taste.

In this case, the bride and bridegroom may sit down and make the first of their many financial and social decisions together. The wedding will not be white-tieand-tails, but “black tie” or semi-formal instead. Many more men own such a suit or,if not, it is far easier to rent than the more formal whitetie combination. And even if you do rent your tuxedo, you certainly can buy a fine 100 percent cotton wing-collar formal shirt. (There will be other occasions when you can wear it.) Wearing your own or a handsome set of cufflinks and studs inherited from your grandfather is a very nice touch, indeed.

Though in the very strictest Old World sense it may not be as totally “correct” formal wedding attire as atailcoat, a black-tie evening suit is more often what the bridegroom, the best man, the father-of-the-bride and the groomsmen will wear.

It isn’t so much what you do as the way you do it. And the way you do it should be with details that all go together. For a black-tie event, the details that go together are: a black evening suit, white pleated-front dress shirt with standard straightpoint collar (although many men understandably choose to deviate from this rule and substitute the handsome and very flattering wing-collar formal shirt), black silk bow tie, cufflinks and studs, cummerbund, braces (suspenders), black dress shoes (either the most correct black patent leather dancing “pumps” orthe almost equally correct highly polished black laceups without a toe-cap design - but no loafers, no matter how highly polished), long lightweight black socks and a boutonniere (flower) in the lapel. The groomsmen usually wear a rosebud or a miniature carnation; the bridegroom wears lily-of-the-valley or some other small sprig of flowers that comes from (or, at any rate, appears to be plucked from) the bride’s bouquet.

I know all this sounds very regimented, but in the bestdressed circles, men’s formal attire (and especially formal wedding attire) is supposed to follow the old rules rather strictly, with little or no deviation. It is not the ideal place for innovation and whimsy. Other men recognize what is correct and have come to expect it.

There is, however, one acceptable - and widely accepted - alternative to the all-black formal combination known as black tie. In warm weather, a formal white dinner jacket is an attractive - and very flattering - option to the standard black-tie combination. Considered a shade less formal than the black jacket, it is perfect for a wedding in a garden or a private club, but perhaps not the most traditional choice for a ceremony in a huge church. Although the jacket is white, all the other elements remain the same - the same pleated white shirt, black bow tie, cufflinks and studs, black formal trousers with the stripe down the side, black shoes, etc.

Note of caution: The most nervous-making, if not downright terrifying, aspect of renting formal clothes for your wedding is being unsure just how well they will fit. Since most rental agencies do not permit the customer to pick up his outfit more than two days in advance (a few allow three or four days), the prospect can be full of trepidation: “Were the alterations made correctly?” “Does the jacket drape properly?” Can you imagine any bride putting up with this sort of treatment? Unthinkable! This is yet one more reason to seriously consider buying a tuxedo. It really is not a great deal more expensive than renting, and you will have this debonair garment for the rest of your life (provided you remain the same size).

Send questions for Male Call to:

lois.[email protected]

High Profile, Pages 49 on 07/25/2010

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