LITTLE ROCK — Dear Otus,
We were in the audience last weekend when Alyse Eady won the Miss Arkansas Pageant. Was there something wrong? She didn’t seem quite as happy as some past contestants.
- Elizabeth Grace, Russellville
Dear Elizabeth,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and a pleasure to look into this serious matter.
You aren’t the only one who noticed a certain lack of elan on the behalf of Eady. This was exceedingly puzzling because Eady, 22, is a veteran of 17 pageants over her career, including the past three Miss Arkansas contests.
Eady, a native of Fort Smith, certainly has experience hearing her name announced. She was Little Miss Crawford County in 2000 at the age of 12, and in 2002 she was Miss Fort Smith Boys and Girls Club.
At the tender age of 16 she was crowned Miss Teen Arkansas 2004. It was at this pageant that Eady perfected her signature clogging/singing/ventriloquist act. She also performed it at the MissAmerica Pageant that year.
Eady got to show her grace under fire when microphone problems caused the orchestra to stop her performance and reboot. Think that’s easy? Try yodeling with your hand up a dog puppet while thousands look on.
In 2005, Miss Teen Arkansas, which is affiliated with Miss America, changed its name to Miss Arkansas Outstanding Teen. It’s sort of the farm league for prospective Miss Arkansas contestants. The serious girls put in the time in preparation for their three-year careers as Miss Arkansas contestants.
Miss Arkansas Outstanding Teen is where one learns all the tricky gestures and moves required of today’s Miss Arkansas and Miss America contestants.
It’s there they learn how to master the challengingskill of wearing high heels while strutting their firm and nubile “physical fitness” in a two-piece bathing suit.
It’s there they learn how to pick a pageant platform that’s meaningful but not too icky.
For example, fighting world illiteracy is better than fighting worldwide encephalitis. Promoting clean water is better than fightinghead lice.
But most importantly, it’s there where one learns how to master the time-honored moment of stunned elation when your name is called out as the winner.
Show too little emotion and the audience doesn’t believe you are appropriately thrilled. Too much emotion and, like pronounced celebrating in the end zone, theyare turned off because you act as if you’ve never been there before.
Rest assured Miss Arkansas Pageant officials noticed Eady’s unsatisfactory reaction and have already taken steps to assure it never happens again.
They scoured the tapes from Eady’s most recent pageant, Miss South Central Arkansas East of I-30 & West of U.S. 425, for clues.
Eady had the proper secondary reactions - a quivering hand to the mouth, followed by “Oh, my God,” as she turned to the runnerup, followed by a hand to the chest as if she couldn’t breathe.
There are then eight seconds of turning left and right in a state of astonished flummoxification as the past winner closes in with the crown and sash.
There then follows the hardest part - remaining suitably speechless and quivering while the tricky crown is being pinned to your hair. This has been known to take a full 30 seconds. That’s an eternity of quivering.
Eady, however, dropped the ball on the most important part of learning you’re the winner. She did not openher mouth to a bizarrely unnatural width and scream so that only dogs could hear. That is simply a must.
Pageant officials have searched the video archives and found their gal right up there on the stage with Eady.
Sarah Slocum, Miss Arkansas 2009, has had the most exuberant reaction, the widest mouth and biggest eyes going back to Lencola Sullivan in 1980 and has agreed to serve as reaction coach for the Miss Arkansas Outstanding Teen and Miss Arkansas Pageant through 2020.
It’s crucial because the Miss America Pageant returns to the big time next year, being telecast on ABC instead of Animal Planet. Eady will be up against screaming professionals.
Until next time, Kalaka urges all you would-be winners to practice at home in front of a mirror.
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Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail:
HomeStyle, Pages 32 on 07/24/2010