TELL ME ABOUT IT: Exclusion leaves a sour taste

By CAROLYN HAX

Posted: September 10, 2009 at 4:33 a.m.

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LITTLE ROCK — DEAR CAROLYN: I'd like your opinion on a matter that has brought significant tension into my relationship.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two months, and we're infatuated. Recently, her mother and niece came from another country to visit for 10 days. My girlfriend said she wanted to spend all her time with them virtually alone, since she doesn't get to see them often. She said it was "too soon" for me to meet her mother. She said she wanted to introduce me when things got better and deeper between us. (I can't be introduced as a friend?)

I reluctantly acceded to her wishes and agreed (but we exchanged messages and occasional phone calls throughout).

Afterward, I discovered that she invited one of her colleagues (female) for dinner with family. I expressed my disappointment about being left out, and she offered a rather vapid apology: "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say." She later accused me of being jealous.

This whole episode left a very sour taste in my mouth. Am I overreacting? Or should I be "flattered" that she's saving the parental introduction for when ... oh, I dunno, when she's ready to declare us engaged?

- T.J.

DEAR READER: Way to respect your girlfriend's wishes there, Teej.

She said it was "too soon" for you to meet her mother. Clear, firm, maybe not your first choice ... but at two months, remaining private is hardly an affront to cultural norms. Meanwhile, your little jab about "when she's ready to declare us engaged" dismisses the entire middle ground - six months, nine months, a year - in an awfully petulant way.

But the main item of contention, her decision to invite a colleague to dinner, is an apple to the orange of your exclusion. A two-hour dinner with a pal is just that: You go, eat, talk, part ways, carry on. A two-hour dinner at which Lover meets Mother is never just that: There's also the anticipation, fuss, dread, hope or fear beforehand - and the fallout afterward, the reacting, reviewing, reliving, rationalizing, rehashing, or whatever else. Whether it goes well or goes horribly wrong, it's a Big Deal.

Yes, she could have introduced you as a "friend." But that's a lie, no? And isn't it possible her own mother would have sensed her true feelings, and pressed for information your girlfriend wasn't ready to share?

To be thorough: She could have visited you, too, while her relatives were otherwise occupied. But then she'd either have to make up a cover story for her absence (lie), or admit she was involved with someone (subject herself to grilling).

Whichever way you look at it, two hours of the visit could easily have become the centerpiece of the visit.She told you she didn't want that. You never had to share that preference, but since you agreed to it, you did have to respect it.

Of course, I'm the one explaining all this, where she just offered: "I don't know what to say." If that's all she offered, that's lame.

Still, what she did say bears repeating: It was too soon for you to meet her mother. Stop punishing her for sticking to that conviction. If you can't take her at her word, then maybe she made the right call.

Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at

www.washingtonpost.com

. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or e-mail

tellme@washpost.com

Weekend, Pages 33 on 09/10/2009

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