My golden handcuffs taken off just in time

By David Lanier Special To The Daily Record

Posted: May 23, 2009 at 6 a.m.

• Print item
• E-mail
• Share
• Tweet

Editor’s note: This is the seventh and final story in a series exploring homelessness in northwest Arkansas. The stories are written by David Lanier, a former sports editor of The Benton County Daily Record, who has been homeless for the better part of the past five years.

Dear Friends: Sorry I missed delivering your toys last Christmas Eve. I was detained. Well, maybe I should say I was indisposed. OK, indisposed is not accurate. I was incarcerated. Falsely. Or, as “Dandy” Don Meredith once quipped: “If ifs ands buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas.” You see, it’s like this. I empathize with London Crawford and Houston Nutt. On Oct. 25, London Crawford was victimized by a horrendous penalty at the tail end of the Ole Miss-Arkansas football fracas. After a stupendous reception, an SEC (Southeastern Crummy) official flagged Crawford for illegal use of the hands. Excuse me, but I didn’t foresee the handwriting on the flag! Gadzooks!

On Nov. 20, I was falsely flagged for illegal use of the hands.

Someone identified me as the perpetrator of a purloined purse during a watch party for the Arkansas-Ole Miss game. So, a Fayetteville detective persecuted — er, interviewed — yours truly or yours falsely, for the alleged snatching of a purse during the aforementioned hotly contested football extravaganza. Then he arrested me.

I can truthfully attest I am not a thief; thank you, Richard Milhous Nixon.

Alas, I was not available to deliver Christmas joy.

Normally, I bestow literary gems to all my friends via the mail, or e-mail.

But the friendly folks at the Washington County Detention Center would only let me send out two missives, so I missed out on not only mailing, but delivering gifts.

My Christmas wasn’t very merry. When the Grinch asked me my name at 5:05 a.m. Christmas Day, I replied, “Kris Kringle.” He growled, “What’s your name?” I reciprocatively snarled, “Lanier.” Later, after a guilt-complexing moment, I apologized and said, “Merry Christmas.” He halfheartedly smirked and said, “Merry Xmas.” X marked the spot all right. Finally, justice prevailed and the charges were nolle prosequi, thanks to my great friends Greg Martin and Ronnie King, who filed affidavits about the complete scenario, which vindicated my involvement in any nefarious illegal use of the hands on this woebegone lady’s purse.

So, my golden handcuffs were dispatched on the 107th day when Deputy Public Defender Leana Houston dispatched the affidavits to Deputy Prosecuting Attorney Dustin Roberts, who in turn provided Judge William Storey with the pertinent information. Voila, the charges were dismissed.

Now I know how Houston Nutt felt when University of Arkansas Chancellor John White quipped that the golden handcuffs were removed so Nutt could pursue other job opportunities. So, Merry Christmas! Also, Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Hannukah! Happy New Year! Happy Valentine’s Day! And thank you very much to all the guards for making it a very Merry Christmas! Sincerely, Santa aka Kris Kringle P(raise) S(aints) James Brotherton and Leon Frisard — the two coolest WCDC deputies for treating me like a gentleman and a scholar rather than a career criminal.

P(raise) S(aints) Public Defender Leana Houston, Deputy Prosecuting Attorney Dustin S. Roberts and Circuit Judge William A. Storey. Kudos for unleashing my golden handcuffs so I could pursue my journalistic career opportunities with a clear record rather than seek job training at Cummins Welding School, where I’d have to learn how to make license plates. Also, thanks for expunging from the record that I was even arrested.

Comments

To report abuse or misuse of this area please hit the "Suggest Removal" link in the comment to alert our online managers. Please read our comment policy.

Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.