COMMENTARY: Jackass Of The Year Awards

With little ado and even less credibility, here is the graduating class for the 2009 Jackass of the Year awards.

This is the seventh year for this prestigious recognition of people and groups of people who have performed acts during the year, or at least in recent memory, that at one time or another has made you personally want to shake their hoof for being so foolish.

Here they are in no particular order. Quiet on the set ... lights ... camera ... (Editor’s note: The word here was not “action,” although we guess it is a type of action.)

Barack Obama: He wins the Nobel Peace Prize while managing two wars and sending extra troops to Afghanistan. That being the standard, I should win one for couth.

George Bush: “One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people’s money to help prevent there to be a crisis.” - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009. Ya can’t make this stuff up.

Dick Cheney: Finally, someone told Cheney to shut up and let the Democrats self-destruct by themselves. Still, his greatest contribution to humanity is shooting a lawyer in the face while hunting.

Vice President Joe Biden: “Look, John’s (McCain) lastminute economic plan does nothing to tackle the No. 1 job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.” - Joe Biden. A three-letter word? Demand a recount, Joe.

Mike Huckabee: The “Pardon Me,” candidate for president. Nice job. Had he gotten around to it,he’d have commuted the sentence of a rapist and/or killer with a killer to be named later. Wait. My bad. That’s exactly what he did.

Blanche Lincoln: “Alex, I’ll take ‘Get a Clue,’ for a thousand.”

Jim Holt: Thinking about running against Blanche Lincoln for the U.S. Senate. That’s like a Kentucky Derby with no thoroughbreds and two jackasses.

Tiger Woods: Know what Tiger Woods has in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Tontitown: We’re still at war with Iraq and peace has broken out in Tontitown. Who saw that one coming?

The Duggar Family: They’ve produced one kid shy of four basketball teams and a TV show.

That’s what Arkansas needs for image - a family that spreads faster than a Kudzu vine.

Mayor Lioneld Jordan: Annually awarded to the mayor of Fudville (Fayetteville) just for even wanting to be mayor of Fudville.

Rogers Mayor Steve Womack: He couldn’t even beat the mayor of Fudville in a vote in CityScapes magazine as best mayor in Northwest Arkansas. Logic stares in disbelief.

Rogers City Attorney Ben Lipscomb: This one goes back a way, but it transcends time.

Lipscomb was showing off a newgun in the county prosecutor’s office. The gun went off, taking a chip out of the concrete floor. “It made a hell of a noise,” Lipscomb said. That’s why Barney and Ben have to keep their bullets in their pockets.

Houston Nutt: Forget it? It’s over? Nothing is over until WE say it’s over. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

No. And it’s not over now. Nutt leaving for Mississippi raised the cumulative IQ in both states.

John Pelphrey: He HAD to have lied on his job application.

Under basketball coach, he checked yes.

Former University of Arkansas Chancellor John White Some guys have the Midas touch ... everything they touch turns to gold. White had the toilet touch.

Everything he touched turned to ... well, you know.

Sue Madison: Angry jackasses will write letters to the editor over this comparison. After her help in Springdale losing Sam’s Club, there are a lot of people, especially in Springdale, hoping the rumors are true that Madison is going to run for Washington County Judge, just so they can vote against her.

Springdale Liquor Association: Opposed Macadoodles and any kind of competition for anyone else to sell alcohol. That’s like having one group own all the newspapers in an area. Wait.

What? Never mind.

And finally ...

Me: Because about half the people reading this right now are thinking, “Geez, this guy is a real jackass.” BOB CAUDLE WRITES A HUMOROUS COMMENTARY ON LOCAL, STATE AND NATIONAL ISSUES. HE IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY INSULTER.