Dancin’ with the DVDs

LITTLE ROCK — I never jumped, jived or wailed.

During the swing craze a decade ago, I plunked down $95 for eight lessons in an armory with dozens of other would-be dancers. I went to exactly three sessions.

After mastering the Charleston and fumbling through the rock step, the class moved on to an eight-step combination that, try as I might, I couldn’t conquer. There I was, stuck on the Charleston - back, forward, forward, back. Twirling around some cat’s back or springing off his shoulders with my long legs Russian-splitting through the air, ponytail flipping, just wasn’t in the cards.

Rhythm isn’t my thing. I have no groove to bust.

No inner tiny dancer.

Determined to find a routine my two left feet could finish, I recently sampled a selection of dance-workout DVDs, all promising to deliver fun and help me shimmy or shake off the pounds.

My selections ran the gamut from ballroom to Bollywood.

Those with dance backgrounds or any semblance of rhythm would probably do just fine with any of the DVDs - although most lacked tutorials.

The results of my sessions? Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t have gotten any 10s if there’d been judges.

Here’s my dance card.

Dance and Be Fit: Hip Hop Cardio (Acacia, $14.99)

Toward the end of the workout, instructor Sarita Lou shows off her inner comedian: “You can do these moves at a party.”

Maybe she could do these moves at a party, but if I tried I’d surely be the subject of “How drunk was she?” gossip Monday morning.

The DVD includes Old School and Sexy Sculpt workouts, each 20 minutes.

Lou, who’s on a set made up to look like blacktop with a city skyline in the background and two giant red speakers just behind her, keeps up a constant banter during the warm-up.

She explains each move and for a moment, I think: “I can do this.” Many of the Old School moves are variations on gym favorites, squats and lunges. But soon she’s kicking up her blue high tops and adding in abdominal circles, hip swings, and she’s saying things like “Rock steady” and “Rock it out.” The moves are pretty simple at first - steps, kicks, lunges - but then she’s double-timing it and I’m 1 1 /2 timing it.

I try not to let being a half pace or so off discourage me. Nor do I care that she looks about 200 times cooler doing knee sweeps and running her hand across her shaggy bob than I do brushing my own ragged ponytail. The heel pops trip me up, and when she calls out freestyle - a do-your-own-thing dance she makes look funky and fresh - I’m wondering if I could incorporate biceps curls.

Soon she’s doing a move intuitive to every bad dancer. She calls it gathering cabbages. Arms out straight, pull the elbows back, arms out straight, all in a circular motion ... Now that’s more like it.

By minute 16, I’m watching from the couch, which is where I also take in the Sexy Sculpt workout after a few lame attempts at body rolls and chest presses.

Verdict: The workout may be pretty hip, but it proved that I’m sure not.

Dance Your Ass Off - The Workout (Anchor Bay Entertainment, $16.98)

If I condoned drinking games, a fun one might be to take a slug each time the choreographers, dancers or contestants on this DVD made a reference to Oxygen’s series that had heavy people hit the floor to - well, the title sort of gave that away. The winner of the show, choreographers and dancers are all in on the production.

The DVD has hip-hop,Latin and disco routines. Figuring the latter was invented for people who can’t actually dance, I was hoping to hustle along to the hustle. But funking it out and disco fever were severely overrated. I’d, generously, say my bad self successfully followed about 65 percent of the routine. I would’ve preferred more pointing and rolling and fewer 1-2-3 combos.

The Latin routine started right off with the cha-cha-cha and rock step. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a tutorial and the workout was more fast-paced. It was also, in theory at least, sexier than the disco routine. But by the time I’d gotten my sexy back, we were onto salsa and again, no explanations for anything.

The hip-hop was perhaps the most fun routine. Not because I actually managed to do it, but because it allowed me to drive my car, get a little club action, groove in place and party back. I would explain those if I had picked up on what they were to begin with. I also got to throw my arms in the air, cock my head to the side and say “Whaaat?” a few times.

Moves like cool glides (sort of a side lunge) and knee lifts with punches at least made me feel like I was using my muscles. But most of the time I simply looked like I was doing the funky chicken.

Verdict: My bum’s not going anywhere with this workout.

Dancing With the Stars: Dance Off the Pounds (Lionsgate, $16.98)

Unlike the show, a partner isn’t required. But I sure would’ve liked to have one of the choreographers on hand to explain what the heck I was supposed to do.

The DVD includes three 15-minute workouts: swing, jive and quickstep.

The swing routine gets rockin’ right off the bat, and while the moves are repeated over and over, it’s not much of a help if I couldn’t get a walk-through to begin with. I’m supposed to remember what a rock step is or be a big enough fan of the show to have somehow internalized it.

The swing choreographer, aided by two vested beefcakes, talks us through some moves like the sailor, step, hop, step, hop, step hop, hop, hop, hop or the Suzie Q stamp, heel, stamp, heel. She builds on moves, then repeats a routine from the top.

The jive workout picks up where swing left off, starting with the triple step, then picking up the pace, adding bigger kicks and twists, arm flourishes and swivels.

The quickstep also relies heavily on the triple step, but by the time I’d almost learned it, it looked totally different. When I was supposed to be moving in a circle I was instead making a beeline to the coffee table. The choreographer (Dmitry Chaplin) offered more explanation and tended to count. But by the time he put the moves together and added music, I was lost again.

Verdict: The show’s more fun to watch.

Hemalayaa: Bollywood Dance Blast (Acacia, $14.99)

I didn’t expect to experience the “side effects” Hemalayaa warned of - “breaking into cool dance moves,” “smiling” and “feeling great.”

I suspected I was in trouble when I saw her make shoulder rolls look sexy. Her workout includes two 20-minute routines along with a five-minute cooldown and warm-up. The movements were a bit infectious - lots of bouncing, jumping and shaking.

Her moves involved simple combinations, and many were done in a modified squat stance.

While I didn’t always follow the steps to the T - sometimes I accidentally did a shake when I should’ve done a bake - I never came to a standstill. Hemalayaa did a good job explaining and counting off the combos - 1, 1, 1, 2 ...

Her Indian grapevine added arm flutters and throws to the aerobics standard. Moves like the queen’s march were a snap. And I can skip, hop and run in circles, no problem.

What’s more, she actually did enough repetitions for me to catch on. She managed to look sensuous and sweet throughout and make even moves like football runs seem more elegant.

By the end of the workout, I’d achieved something I hadn’t accomplished in any of the other workouts. I’d broken a sweat and hadn’t retreated to the couch once. She had me smiling and feeling great. As for spontaneous cool dance moves, well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Verdict: Hooray for Bollywood.

Robin Antin’s PussycatDolls Workout (Anchor Bay Entertainment, $14.98)

For some reason, I had an audience for this burlesqueinspired workout. My husband perched on the couch and started a running dialogue.

“Is the butt smacking really necessary?”

“Yes, hon, it’s important, let me pay attention.”

“Are they wearing panties?”

“No. They’re just shorts.”

“It looks like they’re wearing panties. Hey, can you -”

“No.”

The workout is inspired by the band, or rather, the dance that inspired the band. Antin, the choreographer who created both, leads the routines, which also feature cute dancers wearing tube socks with about twice the fabric of said shorts. Hey, they’re Pussycat Dolls, what’d you expect?

The moves were surprisingly simple. In addition tospanks, there were some squats, chest thrusts, a few arm flourishes to the beat of “hot like me” and the ability to follow instructions - “grind it, slap it, grind it, slap it.”

And: “Pop that chest. Pop that booty.”

Antin breaks down each step and counts off moves, making it easy for beginners like me to bust a move.

She says it’s all about “female empowerment.”

My husband piped up: “Is that a new way of saying being a -” (I don’t think that word belongs in a family paper.)

Despite my brutish mate, I was feeling pretty good about my performance, which called for repeating the moves over and over and over. My “inner doll” was out, and I couldn’t help but feel my audience was getting a real treat watching me work it and own it.

So I conjured up a pout and shot my best bedroom eyes to the couch to find my husband’s head lolled back, and eyes closed.

“What? Hey, sweetie, wake up.”

Verdict: Fun, but even sexy moves can get tired.