You’ve met people in your lifetime who made an instant impression upon you because you knew them to be “real.” Not real as in alive, but real in the sense that you know there is nothing fake about them. The French have a phrase that expresses that thought even more clearly. The phrase is “Bien dans sa peau.” Loosely translated it means being “good in their skin.”
I believe that all of us are on the journey to become “real.” I’ve read that the process of becoming real eventually makes us calmly content with ourselves. That means we no longer feel overwhelmed by self-consciousness and self-doubt. Author Toni Raiten-D’Antonio wrote: “People who are ‘real’ are so comfortable in their worth as human beings that they are able to act according to our highest values in a way that is practically automatic.”
“Real people,” she said, “begin to act in ways that are consistently ethical. This happens because they are free of shame and no longer feel the need to misrepresent themselves, act dishonestly or seek to make others feel insignificant.”
Ethical behavior involves being conscious of how our actions ripple out like little waves to affect others and then acting to minimize the harm we do and maximize the good.
In her book “The Velveteen Principles,” D’Antonio reminds us that there is a difference between superficial beauty and the inner beauty we all posses as unique human beings. Superficial beauty is the product of the object culture, which reduces us to the things we own and the milestones we accomplish. Inner beauty is the result of a life well lived, where our struggles and challenges make us more lovable and truly ourselves. Inner beauty — the kind you can feel and others can see — is what happens when you stop chasing false ideals and become the “real” person you are meant to be.
One of the tasks toward becoming real is to learn empathy, and in particular, according to D’Antonio, self-empathy. If you remember the story line, you remember that the Skin Horse had great powers of empathy.
Once we move forward in our process of becoming real, we can leave behind us a legacy more lasting than real estate or stocks and bonds. D’Antonio says, and I certainly concur, “If you become more real in your own life and bring that to your relationships, you are practically guaranteed to leave behind an inspiring example for others.
We have a minister in our church like that. She has brought to us a living example of one who knows who she is and is not afraid of reacting to her circumstances in such a wonderful way that we, her listeners, can almost see into her soul. I’m so impressed with her “realness” I had to include her example in this story. She really does “feel good in her skin.” So, dear readers, my goal, and I hope your goal for 2010 will be to concentrate more on “realness” and less on “selfness.” Let us all strive to become “Bien Dans Sa Peau.” Shalom!
Bob Haynes’ column appears on Mondays.