Santa’s pounds weigh on minds of Conway 1st and 2nd graders

— Whether Santa Claus weighs 1 million, 3.47 or 400 pounds is in dispute among first- and second-graders, not to mention whether the jolly guy with a belly that shakes “like a bowlful of jelly” should lose some weight.

Some saw the issue philosophically when asked how much Santa weighed and whether he should go on a diet.

“I think Santa can keep eating cookies,” wrote Aaron, a first-grader at Jim Stone Elementary School in Conway. “If Santa was not fat, santa would not be santa.”

Others saw the issue from a health perspective.

Keylona, a second-grader at Theodore Jones Elementary School in Conway, planned to help Santa shed some of his 1,020 pounds by giving him “salit” - that’s salad - and coffee on Christmas Eve instead of cookies and milk.

The advantage to that plan is that a slimmer Santa could slide down “the chimmy” without making noise and waking up the children, Keylona wrote.

The disadvantage is that Santa “won’t fit [in] he’s suit any more. He won’t be jolly any more either. The kids won’t think he’s jolly either.”

One child suggested that children leave Santa some Diet Coke, while another suggested skim milk so that Santa wouldn’t get stuck in the chimney and find himself the target of “tubby” jokes.

A few advised Santa how to get in shape.

Sierra, a second-grader at Theodore Jones, said Santa weighs in at a hefty 5,000 pounds and should “lose weight on The Biggest Losser,” a reference to a television program where contestants try to lose weight for a cash prize.

Fellow Theodore Jones second-grader Johnarious suggested a more conventional approach: “I think he need to walk, do push-up, and do Jumping Jacks.”

Jake, another Theodore Jones second-grader, said Santa should try to shed some of his estimated 1,500 pounds after completing his worldwide gift-bearing journey.

“Once he gets done [he] could go work out at the Don Owen’s [recreation] center [in Conway],” Jake advised.

Fellow second-grader Bran said Santa should cut back on the cookies before his overworked reindeer die. “No more sweets for Santa and eat some vetstballs. ... Stop eating gingerbread old man,” Bran wrote.

Second-grader Madeline offered a gentler suggestion that Santa “go on a chocolate diet” and “eat healtheir.”

Some youngsters viewed Santa’s weight as a safety issue.

“Santa doesn’t need to go on a dieyit bocues if he was skinney he would fall right out of his sleigh and fall down the chimenney,” wrote Cameron, a first-grader at Jim Stone.

Another first-grader at Jim Stone, also named Cameron, guessed that Santa weighs a “towsin” pounds. Cameron doesn’t want Santa to weigh a lot “becus the slay will break” and Santa might end up on top of the reindeer.

Or worse: If Santa doesn’t lose weight, Jim Stone firstgrader Tavis predicted, “he will get stuck in a chinea.”

A couple of youngsters suggested Santa should listen to his wife.

“I think you way 103 pounds,” wrote Blain, a firstgrader at Jim Stone. “You do not need to get on a diet because his wife said don’t go on a diet.”

Destiny, a first-grader at Theodore Jones, answered with an almost two-page conversation among Santa, an elf and Mrs. Claus, accompanied by a red, greenand white illustration.

Destiny wrote: “‘Honey,’ ‘I think you shold go on a diet,’” Mrs. Claus advises her husband, reminding him that his weight has soared to about 500 pounds.

Santa yells, “I have to go on a diet!” Destiny added.

“Yes you do honey, I’ve been trying to tell you that but you whent on your elf thing that we [discussed] not to do on Christmas eve or Christmas day because yu’ll ... whake up the children.”

Ultimately, Santa concludes in Destiny’s essay that maybe his wife is right.

Kayona, another firstgrader at Theodore Jones, colored a picture of a rotund,bald Santa who can’t fit in his “slahy,” because he weighs 1,005,390 pounds, prompting the “rin Deer” to declare “hole sok.” That’s first-grade spelling for “Holy Smoke!”

Amy, a second grader at Theodore Jones, said she thinks Santa tips the scales at about 300 pounds but still shouldn’t diet.

“Who has heard of a skinny Santa?” Amy asked. “Even [though] Santa is fat, he is shure good at leaving us presents!”

Fellow second-grader Tiarre agreed. After all, Tiarre wrote, “I Love You Santa ho ho ho I hope you have a merry good Chrismes ho ho ho.”

Northwest Arkansas, Pages 17 on 12/25/2009

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