COMMENTARY: Here Comes Santa Claus

Santa came by the house the other day.

He usually stops by before Christmas, during his practice run, for a nightcap before flying back to the North Pole.

The years have not been kind to the old man - especially these past few years.

“I’m thinkin’ about retiring,” he said, taking a swig of beer and reeking of cheap gin.

Every year since the elves unionized he’s been talking about retirement.

This year sounded serious, though.

“So, I’m on my shakedown flight and I get forced to land in Seattle by two Canadian fighter jets,” he hiccupped. “Do you know how embarrassing it is to be forced out of the sky by the Canadian Air Force? Their entire Air Force is those two fighter jets and a kite.”

His eyes were losing a little of their twinkle.

“So, I’m in the Seattle airport and TSA had me and some 80-year-old woman off to the side, searching our bags,” Santa said. “There are guys with towels wrapped around their heads and fuses hanging out of their shoes, parading onto a plane, and they’re asking me why I’m carrying a bag with toy rifles in it.”

He sighed.

“Then they ask me for ID,” he said. “I tell ’em who I am and what do they tell me? That they don’t believe in Christmas and they don’t believe in Santa Claus. So they pull me into this side room for a full-body cavity search, like I’m gonna be hiding toys there.”

I got him some cookies andmilk. He fired a shot of gin into the milk and continued.

“Was it over at that point?” he belched. “Of course not. By now, they’ve called OSHA on me for unsafe working conditions. They write me a ticket because the reindeer aren’t wearing goggles and a helmet.”

He asked for some more milk.

“So by now, I figure I’m about done,” he said. “I mean they’ve taken three-quarters of the toys because the government has issued recalls on unsafe toys ... including little red wagons. The kids might tip over and injure themselves they said. So, all I’ve got left in my bag of goodies are clothes and books. Do you know how happy kids are to get clothes and books for Christmas? Even I don’t like getting clothes and books for Christmas.”

Surely, I thought the story was about over.

“Then, they call the FAA to inspect my sled and they ground it because I don’t have fire extinguishers on board,” Santa said with disdain. “When’s the last time you heard of a sled bursting into flames on Christmas Eve? Never, that’s when. Anyway, I go buy fire extinguishers.”

He asked for more milk and I noticed the bottle of gin was draining faster than the carton of milk.

“I’m thinking this is about done, when they call in the ACLU,” Santa said. “They threaten to file a lawsuit because I don’t have any female reindeers pulling the sled. I told them Prancer was gay and that should count for something. Then they pulled Prancer aside and tried to get him to file a discrimination complaint. They interview Dancer ... like they’re gonna tell on each other.”

I’m sensing Santa has a lot of pent-up frustrations about the whole experience - or maybe it was just the gin.

“I look over my shoulder, and they’re giving Rudolph a Breathalyzer test, because his nose is so red,” Santa said.

He’s not a happy Santa.

“We finally get things cleared up and I get to finish my practice flight,” he said. “Now, I’ve got to get back to the North Pole, restock and get ready for the real run. Only this time, I’ve learned my lesson.

I’m circling out west and coming into the United States from the south via Mexico. NOBODY’S stopping ANYBODY from coming into the United States from Mexico.”

He got up and headed for the door with a wave.

“By the way,” he said. “This year, every time you hear the song, ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ ... believe it.” BOB CAUDLE WRITES A HUMOROUS COMMENTARY ON LOCAL, STATE AND NATIONAL ISSUES. HE IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY INSULTER.

News, Pages 5 on 12/24/2009

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