TELL ME ABOUT IT: From the victim to victimizer

By CAROLYN HAX

Posted: August 6, 2009 at 4:18 a.m.

• Print item
• E-mail
• Share
• Tweet

LITTLE ROCK — DEAR CAROLYN: My ex from two years ago and I didn't speak at all after the breakup, but since the beginning of this summer, we have been talking online for hours every day. It is totally innocent and will never turn into anything romantic ever again.

The wrench is, he has this shrewish, controlling new girlfriend who (a) ended our relationship, (b) hates me and (c) feels threatened by his having any female friends. He is more or less not allowed to be talking to me, and lies to her about doing so, which I think is absurdly immature of them both.

Am I in the wrong for tacitly condoning this behavior? I told him once I would only talk to him if he was honest with his girlfriend about it (not that I care about her feelings, but it seemed like the moral thing to do), but that went by the wayside when he reminded me said girlfriend is totally unreasonable about these things and is easier sidestepped than confronted. What say you? - D.C.

DEAR READER: Arrrggghhh, say I.

You're both making this "shrewish, controlling," not at-all-new, two-year girlfriend sound more sympathetic than she probably deserves.

If he has such a big problem with her "unreasonable" rules, then he can break up with her. Knock-knock.

And taking someone's attention for "hours every day" is not innocent when a fairly established girlfriend probably feels she has a rightful claim to at least some of that time; and when that time is instead going to his ex, who resents her and has ample motivation to undermine her; and when he's lying, by omission or otherwise, about how he's spending his time. At that point it doesn't matter if you and he are just plotting to knit booties for underprivileged children.

You, meanwhile, aren't just "tacitly condoning his behavior." You're actively enabling him to treat his current girlfriend the way he treated you. Your noble, be-honest-with-your-girlfriend or-else ultimatum had all the structural integrity of facial tissue.

Maybe the girlfriend is a shrew who done you wrong, but you're being pretty horrible to her, too - and you're doing so for the dubious privilege of spending time with a guy who so lacks the courage to break up with women himself that he needs to recruit other women to do it for him.

So, the better question here is, what say you? I would suggest: "No, thanks."

DEAR CAROLYN: Need some advice on how to pass the time while waiting for a very attractive man to call who I am not sure is interested. I've tried everything to get my mind off things, but I find I just really, really like him a lot. Like a lot a lot. Anyway, would appreciate your thoughts and, no, I'm not calling him or asking him out myself. It's just not my style.

- WAITING!

DEAR READER: I don't know. I can't think of anyone more attractive than someone who is interested in you. Not wait insanely-by-the-phone interested, but I'm-in-this-for-the-long-haul and-of-course-I'm-going-to-call you interested.

What you're talking about is adrenaline. That's different. That's attractive like a suspenseful movie - fun for a while, even worth waiting for, but nothing to tell Dad about.

Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at

www.washingtonpost.com

. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or e-mail

tellme@washpost.com

Weekend, Pages 33 on 08/06/2009

Comments

To report abuse or misuse of this area please hit the "Suggest Removal" link in the comment to alert our online managers. Please read our comment policy.

Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.